I love my dad. My dad knows I love and respect him, I just don’t think he knows how much. He worries about us and he loves us and when he can he helps us out but he never panders to us. He’s there to hold us tight when our hearts have been broken, and he’s there to congratulate us when we do well. He’ll drive to the ends of the earth at any time of day or night if one of us gets stuck somewhere. He’s not big on chatty conversations, but when he does talk, it’s really worth listening. If it wasn’t for my folks- I would probably have chickened out of a lot of things. A major part of my life is striving to make my parents proud- to show them that I actually was listening- most of the time at least.
And then there’s the other part of my annual father’s day.
There are often times when I wish I could see into Damien’s head. I’m sure every mom on the planet has wished she could read her child’s thoughts (when they’re not clearly visible in their eyes), but one of the few days that I would give almost anything for that ability is on Father’s Day.
I took a friends little boy to church with me on Sunday (let’s call him ‘T’). As we were sitting there, watching the other Sunday school children sing a song and then give little packets of Jelly Tots with messages on to all the dads in the congregation, it struck me that the little boys sitting on either side of me are both dad-less. T’s father pays maintenance and he sees him occasionally but its T’s paternal grandmother who makes a point of trying to see him when she can. Damien has never met his father, and though he asks the odd question once in a blue moon (like “does my father like animals?” and “do I look like my father?”) he has never actually asked to see him. I also try my utmost to be honest when Damien does ask a question. I always keep in mind that he may one day want to find this man and I don’t want him to remember all sorts of mean things I said when and if he does, I want Damien to make up his own mind. I would love to know what Damien is thinking on this particular day of the year, more to put my own mind at rest that he’s okay than for any other reason.
I must also confess, it’s the one day that I really wonder what Damien’s father is thinking and feeling. Knowing he has a son who he’s never met or seen. We agreed when we split up not to see each other or have any contact (see previous blogs for more details) and I am extremely grateful to him for leaving us alone. But I do wonder if he wonders, if his family wonders, if he’s thought about what he will say if Damien ever tracks him down. If he has any other children* silly and morose I know, but I can’t help it, especially given my relationship with my father.
Damien is truly blessed that he has such a big close knit family that loves him as much as they do, we would both be lost without them.
Oh, and I have also come to the conclusion that the mothers of children who are born out of wedlock (i.e. illegitimate) are “punished” for their indiscretions by having children who look unmistakably like their fathers- to remind us everyday that we’re never entirely off the hook!
If a cat has decided to love you, there’s not a whole lot you can do about it. Katrina Smythe.