So sorry, I didn’t mean to give anyone a fright, and I sincerely apologise for shattering any windows, but I had to get that off my chest (which- as a lot of you know- is substantial). Have you ever wished you had a sound proof room- or at least access to one? Somewhere you can go to scream without scaring the bejeebers out of everyone. I also sometimes feel like I’d love to break things to alleviate stress. I think throwing things can be very therapeutic- especially things that can break. Does anyone else ever feel like that- or is that just me? So. How do you know when you’re depressed? Are there any particular symptoms to look out for? I don’t think I’m depressed, just frustrated. Severely so.
You see, I am a planner, I always have been. I plan things YEARS in advance, especially since Damien was born. I set plans for how long it would be till I could buy a car, till Damien and I could afford to move out of my mother’s house, till I could buy a house, buy new furniture, buy a new car, that sort of thing. And I budget, strictly. Then the year before last, Damien was battling so much at the government school he was at, that for about three years we both spent more time in the principal’s office than anywhere else. So I put him in a private school. In doing so I had to postpone buying a house for a couple of years. No problem, it was supposed to be last year, but that plan is now pending. And I really had a soft landing when I found my flat- my landlady charges me so little rent for our massive two bedroom flat it’s laughable. No really. Of course- paying next to no rent means no improvements in ten years either. And the longer I stay in my flat- past the date by when I thought I would own my own little matchbox- the more annoyed I got with my neighbours. Now noises that I SWEAR I didn’t hear before drive me absolutely insane. And the fact that I am surrounded on all sides by complete assholes doesn’t make it any easier. This weekend, we had some new occupants moving in two doors down from me, then at about 4pm yesterday afternoon the guy downstairs banged on my floor so hard that I actually jumped- and I’m sure he did damage to his ceiling. Four or five bangs on my floor. Then today he did the same thing, I have no idea what he heard this time- Damien was playing LEGO in his room (and we all know how noisy that can be) and I was sitting on my couch watching A1 racing. I nearly shat myself! He has a glass door leading from his living room to his veranda (mine is closed in) and he slams it several times a day- so hard I can feel the vibration in my laptop keyboard! The woman upstairs from me moves furniture around at four in the morning (nearly forgot- downstairs asshole phoned my landlady and told her I was doing it!) next door doesn’t greet or even do the polite smile thing most people do when passing people they are acquainted with.
Then six months ago I changed jobs. I decided to take a knock in salary so I could have a decent home life with Damien. I love my new job. Damien’s teachers immediately noticed a change for the better when I no longer had to drop him off at my mom at 5:30am everyday and no longer had to work weekends. But I severely underestimated just how hard that knock in salary would be. Now even more of my plans have to go on hold.

One thought on “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrghhhhh!

  1. Hi Angel

    Your life sounds very similar to mine. I knew I was depressed when I started getting panic attacks and feeling out of control. That was about 2 years ago. I went on happy pills for a brief while and am now fine. No really. OK I am a BIT insane but on the whole, fine. I would recommend going to see your GP if the feeling persists. Do not think you can go it alone. Good luck!

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