I Am Ashamed To Admit It, But. . .

I am a slob!
And no, it is not an acronym for anything.
Mommy Darling, sister B, sister C, da Bruvva- stop nodding your heads and wipe those smirks and knowing grins off of your faces IMMEDIATELY! Yes I know- it’s been bad, and believe me you have never seen the worst of it, no-one has. And yes- once I was prepared to be the butt of the joke rather than bother to clean up. I have decided that you may not laugh at me anymore.
Honestly- I am really battling to write this. It sounds pathetic but there really is a humiliation induced lump in my throat right now. And I was determined while writing it to actually post it because it’s kind of therapeutic . . . you know the cliché- the first step towards recovery is admitting you have a problem.
So here goes.
Hello. My name is Angel and I have a problem.
You want to know how big a problem?
I literally cringe at the merest hint of someone coming to visit me. I will stay out all weekend and all night to avoid going home to the mess . . . which of course just continues to get worse BECAUSE I’m staying away. I will spend a fortune on fast food so as not to add to the sink full of dishes already waiting for me. I usually have loads and loads of dirty washing to do- and I buy new sheets rather than wash the ones already in the washing basket. Hence I have loads and loads of lovely linen and towels too! I do the barest minimum of laundry- just so we can have work and school clothes and underwear and such . . . Daddy Darling has even commented to Mommy Darling that he wonders if my vacuum cleaner is broken, after he spotted dust-bunnies in my living room when they came to celebrate my birthday. And I thought I’d done enough to make it at least look like I cleaned regularly, including vacuuming! That made me so angry with myself that I cried for over an hour when I left Mommy Darling’s place after she told me. I wonder if she saw me blush. It’s a running joke in our family that I don’t WASH dishes- I WATCH them. Yes, I’m being dead serious.
Okay, you can shut your mouth now.
And then I found FlyLady.net. Feel free to Google it because I STILL haven’t worked out how to put links in my posts! To put it plainly- I am living in CHAOS, which according to FlyLady, stands for “Can’t Have Anyone Over Syndrome”. And according to FlyLady, I am defined as a “Payroll SHE” (a SIDETRACKED HOME EXECUTIVE who works for an income) because I’m not an SAHM or a WAHM (STAY slash WORK AT HOME MOM). So I joined up. FlyLady then sent me a list of 31 Babysteps to get into a new routine of cleaning and tidying up. Granted- I have taken months just to get started on the babysteps, but I have started- to a degree.
The FLY in FlyLady stands for “Finally Loving Yourself”, and I realised- about a week ago- that I haven’t done that for a loooooong LONG time. And FlyLady says that what your home looks like is a reflection of how you feel about yourself. Makes sense doesn’t it? I admitted to myself quietly that although I was dressed for work and I looked nice on the outside and I put on a brave face and all that (most of the time), I actually loath myself (most of the time). And the more I avoid looking at myself in the mirror- figuratively and literally- the more I loath what I have become. And now, being able to do things I actually enjoy showed me how much I’ve been missing. For example, I have been dressing for work- make up and all- for about a year now. I bought myself some beautiful new clothes and shoes. I didn’t do that for more than ten years. I like my job, my colleagues, my boss. I didn’t have that for more than ten years either. Having my own website; writing again; drawing again; photography. And going back to the gym; working normal hours; not working weekends. And actually looking at how much and how long I’ve been screwing around makes me want to start crying all over again.
So now I have started “Fluttering” to use FlyLady’s terminology, I doubt I’ll be FLYing for many a month yet- probably longer- but I have started.
Wish me luck and pray for me.
Give me a couple of months- and then I promise (I promised myself too) that you can stop by WHENEVER you want to!
(email post)

About Angel

Wife, mom, cake artist, Guide Dog puppy raiser, ADHD champion, wedding planner, and tattooed cat slave.
Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to I Am Ashamed To Admit It, But. . .

  1. b says:

    You make me so proud. At least you can admit when you have a problem, I have trouble with that. I love you just as you are, dirty dishes or not. I am behind you all the way. You are very brave and honest and I promise I didn’t laugh or smile when I began reading this post (ok, maybe a bit) but not because I think badly of you. Love you so much!!! BIG{{hug}} sis. :*

  2. Melany says:

    Angel, you can do this. Like you said – just baby steps. 🙂
    What a brave post. You can do this