HE DUCKING FID IT AGAIN!
Right. So. I made my own chocolates this Easter. Yes, I know- don’t fall off your chair- I actually do know how to do things like that. I bought the 4 different varieties of cooking chocolate… i.e. white, milk, caramel and dark (a really nice one too- doesn’t leave that fatty layer in your mouth). I bought caramel, nuts, sprinkles, miniature cupcake cups and little boxes to put them in. I also bought rather pricey chocolate bread spread to use as a filling- like mousse type stuff. Initially I found it on special- in these adorable little “Asterix & Obelix” themed bottles. And since I’m such a complete sucker for a marketing ploy- I bought all four bottles in the collection. I figured- I had the money at the time so I decided to “splash out”. By the time it got round to actually doing the Easter chocolates I had in mind (I had made a list) Damien had eaten the spread. All of it… except for most of one bottle! To say I hit the roof is putting it very mildly! So I went ahead and did the ones I wanted to do (white chocolate filled with the nutty chocolate spread), and I stashed the rest… or so I thought… the next day I did the milk chocolate and Milo cups (this was about a week before the Easter weekend). The day after I wanted to do caramel chocolate filled with chocolate spread and chopped almonds. The spread was gone again! As true as shit- he’d gone and eaten what I thought I’d hidden! I.WAS.FURIOUS! I.WAS.SPEECHLESS! He knew why I needed the chocolate spread; and he knew I wasn’t finished; yet he went ahead and ate it anyway! So I went and bought yet another bottle of spread to use for the chocolates because I wanted to do them the way I had in mind- I didn’t want to compromise. But I didn’t find the spread I wanted and I ended up using one I wasn’t mad about. I did the chocolate and nuts cups, and put the rest of the chocolate in the cupboard with the rest of the spreads because I had finished the Easter chocolates I wanted the spread for. My hard work went down a treat! Everyone was very impressed and I was pleased with my results too.
And then last night. Sunday night. Damien had gone earlier and got a loaf of fresh white bread, and we had eggs on bread for supper with baked beans. Later I really felt like a sandwich with chocolate on it- fresh soft white bread, chocolate spread… yummy. I get the bread, spread a little margarine, I open the cupboard and… can you guess? NO.FUCKING.CHOCOLATE.SPREAD!
I nearly wrenched the cupboard door off I was so mad! So. I breathe deep and regain my composure. I put a little marmite on my sandwich. Also yummy, but not what I wanted. And since I already had bread today with supper this is really cheating on my diet! I hardly ever have a sandwich anymore! Then I count to 700, and I calmly call Damien to the living room where I am now sitting.
Me (using my perfectly-reasonable-Oscar-winning-imitation-of-a-calm-collected-mommy voice): Do you have any idea where the new bottle of chocolate spread is?
Damien (puzzled frown): The what?
Me (maintaining neutrality): The new bottle of chocolate spread I bought last week to do the Easter eggs with.
Damien (using-his-butter-wouldn’t-melt-in-my-mouth look): Nope. I’ll help you look…
He goes into the kitchen and I hear cupboard doors opening. Five minutes later Damien exits the kitchen and saunters nonchalantly past me.
Me (still in a perfectly-reasonable-Oscar-winning-imitation-of-a-calm-collected-mommy voice): Did you find it?
Damien (puzzled frown): What?
Me: The chocolate spread…
Damien (in his damn-I-was-hoping-you’d-forget voice): Oh… no, why do you want it?
Me (still calm): I thought I might enjoy myself a chocolate sarnie… but now I can’t find the chocolate spread I bought.
Me: Have you seen it?
Damien: I ate it.
Me (in a slightly less than perfectly-reasonable-Oscar-winning-imitation-of-a-calm-collected-mommy-voice): Oh. When?
Damien: Just after Easter.
Me: The whole jar?
Me: Great. Thanx Damien.
Yes- I know it was the wrong thing to say… but it was either that or throw the TV remote at his head!
I am now really going to have to reverse my bedroom closets and the kitchen grocery cupboard- it’s probably the only way I’m EVER going to have anything even vaguely yummy in the house!
There Is Never An Excuse
One in three is not a statistic - one in three is a crying shame.