It’s A Slippery Slope, Oh Bunnies O’ Mine…

And currently, I think I may be losing my grip! To be entirely honest, it’s a slope I’ve slid down and climbed many times in my life…
I’ve written and re-written this post over and over again so many times in the last week or so that I’ve lost count entirely (this is the post that’s been tying my brain in knots). Partly because I’ve been debating with myself on whether or not to post it at all… and mainly because actually posting it makes me sound like some kind of lunatic nymphomaniac!
For the last few years I’ve worked at getting back into my Christian “routines” (for lack of a better word) and I’ve enjoyed it immensely- it’s so incredibly fulfilling! And I have been totally celibate for just over four years- by choice. Trust me bunnies, it takes a lot of work for me to maintain that because I know what I’m missing!
I am a Christian; I am not ashamed to say I am. I’m not a “Lordy blogger” like my sister B or like Doula Mel (I just love this description Mel), but I do hope my beliefs come through in my writing somehow… I was saved almost twenty years ago, and I’ve been a church goer all my life. My parents taught Sunday school and we went to the same church until I was about 22 years old. The church supported me through my pregnancy with Damien and the church loved Damien from the day they found out he was coming. I love going to church and bible study and the people I meet with and pray with and I love to feel close to God… I have seen and experienced amazing things, and there’s no doubt in my mind as to who is in charge of the universe…
Aaaaaaand then I hit a rough patch and I stopped going to church and I had a few boyfriends and some not so PC relationships and I partied and gallivanted like a mad thing…
And then I started going to church again and realised just how much I’d been missing!
Now I feel like I have come to a detour again, and for the last few years it was fairly easy to take the “right” road… but lately I’ve been standing at the detour and debating with me, myself and I about how much more entertaining the “wrong” road is and how much work the “right” road is… I think it might be easier for me to opt for the “right” road if I didn’t already know what was in store for me on the ‘wrong” road, but I’ve spent many years dawdling along the scenic route and doing all sorts of things I know I shouldn’t be doing- giving in to the pleasures of the flesh so to speak- and not setting a very good example for my darling Damien. The “wrong” road is just SOOO much more fun…
I think a large part of it is simply a craving for physical affection, and I tell you- if I open that door even just a smidgen the devil has a field day in my head! Not to mention cigarettes, and driving too fast…
So, I am still debating with myself furiously- and trying to pray- but I’m finding it very VERY hard to concentrate on anything apart from the things I’m longing for!

15 thoughts on “It’s A Slippery Slope, Oh Bunnies O’ Mine…

  1. I respect your stand, but I don’t think that God will want you to spontaneously combust or implode.

  2. I had a hectic week last week and got behind on my blog reading. I missed so much around here!!!

    My dear fellow single mom…I totally hear you on the whole ‘it’s easier not to live a Christian life thing…’

    But like you, I’ve found that when I am not going to church, fellowshiping with other Christians and spending time with Jesus (either through prayer time or reading His word), I really start to suffer in so many ways.

    In the moment it certainly seems more fun to go out drinking and being, um, not celibate. And the need for physical affection is something that is in our human nature. But you’re totally right that if you open that door ever so slightly, satan is gonna come creeping in.

    I feel very HC (to use Mel’s term) saying this, but give all this to Him in prayer. The right road, if hard in this life, will lead us to a life of everlasting joy (and pleasure greater than anything on this earth, and you know what I mean by that!!!).

    I’ll be thinking about you and praying for you…
    xx liz

  3. allbunnies: thank you so much for all your input and opinions- i cannot tell you how much it means to me! i’m truly torn right now… i have vivid and lurid memories playing like movies in my head- whilst at the same time i am pleased with how far i’ve gotten already…

    sweetass: i just read your post on blowjobs! i’m so glad i’m not completely alone…

    peong: aaah, see now that’s where i fall off the bus… despite my history, i actually do believe that sex outside of marriage is frowned on by god, and my physical cravings clash with what i believe to be what god wants of me…

    mel: your comment is so wonderfully written! pray hard girl- a wealthy, cool, lordy husband who likes to make love would be sooo great right now! as for vibrators…

    supermom: thank you…

    allan: mwaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahaaaaaaa… i’m sorta trying to convince myself, but only sorta!

    louisa: lol, i dunno which one i want!

    dawn: love you too sweetie!

    muriel: teehee, “dance into the light” eh? that’s just the thing doll, i know he will mind!

    faerie: you are such a sweetie, thanx so much for this morning (well, it was “morning” my time)!

    spear: hoooo boy… the hypocrisy i can kind of ignore because its not christianity to me… it saddens me that others see christians this way, but its definitely an either/ or thing for me. either i live as a christian or i do what i like!

  4. Angel, I am where you are as well… God, I don’t know what to say. Apart from that every time I take the “wrong” road, much fun as it is, it leaves me empty and depressed after the initial rush of enjoyment. It is difficult though to resist the instant gratification of the “wrong” road.

    People may call me a lukewarm Christian if they want to, but I have to agree with Peong’s comment above.

    Once I started looking beyond certain “Christians”‘ hypocricy and the faults of the Church, my Faith became stronger again.

  5. Oh Angel,
    You of all people I would not expect you to doubt your reasons for your personal choices in this life.

    You know deep within the recesses of your mind that you are the only person you can truly trust with your heart mind and soul…. as well as God.

    Now to say the wrong road isnt fun would be a lie…. but guilt isnt the best feeling the next day (which is what played a huge part in my own choices) ….
    I was preaching to my kids non stop about what NOT to do with their young lives and bodies…. yet I would still put the slut shoes on and do whatever I wanted..

    Then one day… I decided Ive seen enough of what ever it is I am seeking… didnt change me in any ways…. so I just quit doing things that same way.

    I do not regret my choices YET?? And maybe I use it somewhat to hide behind now.
    Who knows if I am right or not? I damn sure do not.

  6. I think you can live a good life — true to yourself, morally strong, loving and honest — without having to be ‘good’ (as defined by society and, sometimes, ourselves or our codified religions), and I believe that that is, however you explain it, what you would end up doing anyway. You are clearly mindful of your dilemma and your choices, and you will make the right one because you ARE honest and loving. You’re being too hard on yourself. Dance into the light, Angel. God won’t mind!

  7. Phew – what a huge subject and yes, brave indeed to go there. Being of the Jewish faith I have a different belief system to you – although I like to think that my faith and beliefs are of a more general spiritual nature. My heritage is important to me and I maintain my connection to that as best I can. It is an ongoing learning process for me and I find it rewarding and comforting. I don’t believe in a judgmental God and I have very little educated knowledge of the concept of the devil. My perception of the devil is that it is maybe our conscience and therefore we are responsible for our choices rather than being victims of influence. I see the dilemma that faces you and I wonder if I would be able to find a safe middle road for myself if I were in the same situation. I think finding the balance in our life is one of lifes many challenges that help us grow and shift and expand our consciousness. Thank you for sharing this with us. Love you. xoxo

  8. Poor angel…

    Well, do you want us to talk you down from the ledge or tell you to go for it? 😉

    I don’t think that you would’ve kept to yourself for so long just to jump into it again lightly.

    Good luck with the choice.

  9. If God exists, I’m sure he/she is OK with consensual sex in all it’s myriad forms…go for it!

  10. I take my hat of to you. Not just for this post but staying on the right road. It is not easy and I don’t know if I could as my idea of the ‘right road’ is a bit odd lol Good for you

  11. Mmmh, this is such a tough one. Firstly well done for this brave post. We all wanna be cool and hip and sometimes admitting we are Lordy is hard. I actually thought about this today when I read Psalm 73 vs 1 to 28. I lived with Gary when I was already saved and I always felt a little separate from God. I could justify it all I wanted but I knew in my soul it wasn’t cool. I don’t know if I would have the strength to be celibate if I was single now. I think we need God to send you a fabulous cool, wealthy, Lordy husband. Please Lord! For now I think you need a hug from a male friend and a vibrator.
    From Lordy ex-slutty Mel

  12. I will do my best to not sound too terribly anti religion… Just remember its the organization not the faith i have a problem with…

    I don’t believe it has to be two different roads, it is possible to live a good life, and the good life, at the same time. And the “right” path is dependent on whether you believe philosophically or literally in a belief structure written hundreds of years after the events its based on took place, and edited by people seeking to cement their own place in the (male dominated) heirarchy of the times. I look at it from this perspective: I have a lot of gay friends who believe in a religion that spurns them, who are good, moral, just, accepting people turned away by an organization that encourages but does not act on those principles. Elitism and hypocrisy do a lot to earn my scorn. I do not personally have an sort of faith, but I don’t believe there is anything wrong with living a good life, and making sure you are happy as well, and I can’t see good honest lovin up as a bad thing. Basically I think there is a big difference between following christ’s teachings and being what is usually considered christian. Love is a good thing, and can be portrayed in physical form. Now that doesn’t mean picking up drunk boys at the bar for one night of nookie, but I don’t think it means you have to get married to express physical love either.

    But thats just me…

  13. oh angel…funny girl!…you’re not alone…i think you must look around cause i’m exactly at the same crossroads as you are…you perfectly described me to a t today…except i’ve haven’t been to church for about six years…i’m in between both worlds and checking both out…until i decide…cause i don’t think it’s an either or…vely vely difficult…problem is…it’s horribly difficult to combine the holy life and the good life…especially if you’re not married…this ~thang~ is something very personal and unfortunately i won’t be giving any advise…cause i don’t know either…how much help am I! 🙂

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