I had such a wonderful IM chat yesterday morning with a fellow single mom who is also currently celibate by choice! Basically I repeated what I’d said in my previous blog post, and she helped me think it through and she gave me her unbiased opinion without preaching at me. You know who you are- and you’re such a honey, thank you!
Basically, the issue around my being tired of working so hard at celibacy is the fact that my physical longings currently clash with my faith and what I believe in my heart is “the right thing to do”. I am not a fabulous Christian, I don’t try hard enough. I do not read my bible and pray everyday as I know I should, and I often sleep instead of going to church- but it nags at me because I want to do better.
For a long time I did not go to church and I did as I pleased, even though I had grown up a Christian- I was enjoying myself too much and didn’t want to “give it up”. You see, in my heart and my mind, being a Christian is definitely, without a doubt, an either/ or situation. I cannot proclaim myself a believer in Christ, and have a fuckbuddy on the side. And I’m really not posting this to point a finger at anyone for anything- this is MY belief and this is how I see things.
In my mind, I could pretend to shelve my Christianity for a while and go bananas, but it wouldn’t work in my heart even if I pretended it did. And I could go bananas anyway because I know God would forgive me if and when I asked him to- He has done it so many times already… but then I would not feel right about calling myself a Christian… To me that’s not how it works. And if I did decide to go bananas anyway I would have to do it on the sly. And I haven’t even mentioned all the risks attached like pregnancy and STDs!!! Soooo, I still have a dilemma, I have not yet managed to resolve my little internal crisis. I have not done anything I will regret either… yet…
Then again, I dunno if I’d tell you all even if I did!??!
There Is Never An Excuse
One in three is not a statistic - one in three is a crying shame.