I Am A Fraud.

Okay, maybe not.
But I sure as shit feel like one.

I think this is the longest I’ve gone between posts since I can’t remember when. I’ve actually been working on several posts, to let you all know I’m here. And alive.
And I am really happy. White-picket-fence-baking-cupcakes-permanent-toothy-slightly-lopsided-grin kinda happy.
My sweet Glugster and I are still trying to have a baby, and we’re both SO looking forward to a weekend away- with just the two of us, for the first time in our relationship- and the timing is good for our TTC project too, so everything is good…

And then today, my darling knucklehead, threw a spanner in the works again.

And this is where I start feeling like a fraud all over again.

Many times in my life, I have been told I am an inspiration as a single mother. I have been asked for advice and confided in.
My friends and family have often told me they are impressed and proud of me for doing what I’ve done. I’ve had the knucklehead’s teachers compliment me on how well I know my child, and comment on how involved I am in his schooling and such.
And I had an actual qualified head shrinker tell me I haven’t screwed him up completely.
I honestly don’t see that I’ve “done” anything. I have raised the knucklehead alone, yes, but I also raised him with a LOT of support and help and love from my parents and siblings.
I did what I thought a mom was supposed to do.
And I fell short in SO many areas too… I didn’t push him hard enough to excel and achieve. I wasn’t strict enough. I spoilt him. I was inconsistent with my discipline. I didn’t spend enough quality time with him. I sometimes think I should have made some kind of effort to maintain a relationship with his biological father. I screamed. I swore.
And I could go on.
Ahem…
I also had a couple of romantic relationships+ whilst the knucklehead was a youngster- but I was very leery of letting anyone in so to speak, or allowing the dudes to assist in parenting my son in any way, so the relationships didn’t go very well.
I swore off men completely until I met my darling Glugster.

Those are a few reasons why I feel like a charlatan when people compliment me- as much as I LOVE when they compliment my darling son’s behaviour or demeanour.

There are more reasons…

My knucklehead just cannot get through school. MOST of his hassles have to do with his AD/HD, but a part of it also is- I feel- that I do not and have not motivated him enough to revise his work and to try and get good marks. I don’t expect A’s, but I do expect at least a pass…
He’s smoked cigarettes since he was 10 or so.
I watched him get fingerprinted when he was arrested for shoplifting, and theft has been a problem since nursery school.
He’s a firebug, and we’ve had to douse a few small blazes because of his fascination with flames.
And our current issue is marijuana. Mary-Jane. Ganja. Grass. THC. He buys it, smokes it, and shares it with his friends. He takes it to school too, which is when I get called.

And THOSE phone calls are the bane of my life. They’re the ones with the voice on the other end, afraid to tell me too much over the phone- not only because they’re not wanting to say too much but also because they are so often the receiver of the parents’ misdirected ire in these matters… and their hesitance to talk to me only increases my heart rate.
I have shed countless tears over my son’s issues at school and other hurdles in our life.
I’ve spent sleepless nights and smoked WAAAY too many cigarettes.

And today I got another one of those phone calls.
The knucklehead, who is being tested every two weeks- and tested positive again after his birthday party- got caught with grass at school again today. Despite his promises to the contrary, he’s still smoking it.
I had to go to the school again.
Which meant taking leave again.
My bosses know my work and like my work- but they do not have endless patience- and at this rate I won’t have any leave left for December!

So today some major decisions were made.
He’s going to start taking Wellbutrin– which is an antidepressant and often helps AD/HDers who have substance issues. We’re hoping this will be enough to get him to stop smoking it, because the next step will have to be rehab… which I really don’t want to do.
He’s also dropping out of school.
As much as I wish he could finish school, or at least get a grade 11, this is not working. He’s wasting time and money because he’s not working. He’s having a jol with his friends all day and that’s it.
He is looking for work. Full time or part time doesn’t matter- whatever he can find at this point. Next year we’ll look at enrolling him in college to do a national senior certificate equivalent or some such.
We’ll also be testing on a weekly basis again until he’s clean.

And today I felt numb.
I didn’t even cry.
I feel like I’ve let him down. Like I dropped the ball. I feel like a failure.

+okay, I had four, not counting an um-friend or two.

Our Big Day!

Today I dragged my Glugster out of bed early so we could walk the 300m or so to the polling station we registered at- only to find a queue of note, and having to join it 200m up the road.
It was rather entertaining nonetheless, we ended up chatting to the people in front of us a little, Glugs and I keeping them giggling with a running commentary on the happenings around us, and we kept entertained by keeping an eye on Twitter of course. Whilst we queued, our local DA counsellor walked up the line telling us who she was, with her hubby slowly following in his car playing kwaito music at full blast and holding up the traffic! Later she drove down the road again pointing her finger at the sky through the sunroof in time to the music and grinning at the queue like a lunatic. It sounded like the same song too… I reckon she only downloaded one. And if her antics didn’t count as electioneering I dunno what does!
It was relaxed and easy. It was cool outside, but hot as blazes inside the tent- which even had porta-potties outside! The IEC staff were friendly too. Once we were inside the tent getting our ID books checked and getting our ballot papers and getting into the booth thingies was real fast.
After we voted, we walked home the long way, which was a nice bit of exercise! Then when we got home we headed off to lunch at a fabulous little place called “Titolino’s”. Its very cool, and we plan to go back. And after that we went to our dance lesson and learned the “bolero”. It was great fun as always!
Having a polling station round the corner was cool, I called the knucklehead and asked him to bring us some coffee!
the queues…I found an old electrical meter box at the side of the roadthese two were having a wonderful time. I love the cupcake on her shirt…even the car guard was relaxed!queueing…the IEC tent and porta-potties!

inside the tent…

There are some more pictures on my FLickr link

I Am Still Here…

Alive and kicking you could say.
I can’t remember when last I didn’t post every day, and I am REALLY missing the post comments I find in my inbox… Sorry bunnies, I know how many hundreds of daily readers I have whom I have been disappointing day after day this week.

Mwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Well, what have I been up to?
Last weekend was a TweetUp at 8UNNI’s house, which was great fun. Meeting up with several of the usual suspects as well as meeting some new Tweople, and talking and laughing till late. And it was Easter of course- which meant cold meats and salads with the family at Sister B’s place. No egg hunt though ‘coz the boys are apparently “too old” for it. I think thats baloney and I will be insisting on an egg hunt next year. Apart from sleeping and catching up on housework that pretty much sums up our weekend. Oh, and a date night! Dinner at “The Butcher Shop” in Sandton and then a movie. We were a little disappointed with the restaurant. I think they lose some food quality to the sheer enormity of the place! I’ve never in my life seen such a big restaurant. We saw “Race to Witch Mountain” and it was pretty entertaining.

We’re still dancing and loving it! And our instructor is continually inpressed with our performance as a couple. I can now Cha-Cha, Foxtrot, Rumba, Waltz, Tango, Mambo, Boogie, East Coast Swing and West Coast Swing! Its fargin awesome!!

Sadly we missed out on our sprinkling of baby dust and are not yet preggers- BUT our blood test results were fabulous. To check whether I am ovulating I had to be tested on D21 of my 25 day cycle, which was last Friday. We had a bit of a mission finding a lab open on a public holiday, but we got it done. The results say I am immune to Rubella (German measles), I am definitely ovulating, and mine and my Glugster’s bloodgroups are compatible, so no RH complications when we do get me knocked up. This is a huge weight off my mind as I’m sure you can imagine. Now if we can just get to the next step in the process…

And then the knucklehead, in his pretty much drunken state at his birthday party, took a couple of hits off a bong and has thus tested positive again. He was inebriated, so his normally dreadful impulse control was stretched to its limit… but I am disappointed. And worried about how he’ll be able to handle himself when he’s out drinking and not in the safe setting of “home”. And I am very pissed at his friends. They’re no longer welcome in my house.
Yes, we’re still testing.

And I’m Twittering and loving it!

My daddy darling is still battling… he still has pain in his arm and shoulder, and we’re waiting for the rheumatologist to find a space to fit him in. He’s also battling some days to keep food down which means he can’t keep meds down, and then his sugar goes nuts which upsets his kidneys and then his heart battles and and and…

Tomorrow I have my annual performance appraisal. They usually go pretty well, and my bosses are truly fantastic when it comes to giving credit where its due (all year round) and providing constructive criticism… but I still dread it. Every year.
Wish me luck.

Sheesh.

I need a holiday.

Fifty Fantabulous Facts

This list has been doing the rounds… I wasn’t tagged, but this week’s posts are going to be all memes, so this fitted in perfectly!
 
1. Do you like Blue Cheese? Yup!
2. Have you ever smoked heroin? Nope.
3. Do you own a gun? Nope. I won’t have guns in the house with the knucklehead still living at home.
4. Parenthood:  That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage.  ~Marcelene Cox
5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? It depends why I’m there… but the dentist and the gynae always make me nervous!
6. Real or fake nails? Real ones. They grow really fast but I’m not careful enough for fake ones.
7. Favorite Christmas song? I don’t really have a favourite…
8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? I LURV my coffee…
9. Can you do push ups? Mwaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaa… I don’t think I’ve ever tried!
10. What’s your favorite piece of jewellery? My silver and amethyst dragon pendant and my Thomas Sabo dragon earrings, given to me by my Glugster!
11. Favourite hobby? Photography and baking
12. Do you have A.D.D.? No I don’t think so.
13. What’s one trait that you hate about yourself? The way I put off till tomorrow, every single day…
14. Middle Name? Laverne
 
stop giggling this instant
 
15. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment: my new Motorola V9 charging at home; the blood test results; whether or not Damien doing his LO project
16. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink: coffee, Coca Cola, Sprite Zero
17. Current worry right now? The blood test results… I wish they’d hurry up and get back to me now!
18. Current hate right now? Erm, someone who is “in my space regularly”, but I can’t mention names. Its one of those people who can’t stand silence and will start inane conversations as soon as there’s a silence of longer than 3 minutes, never mind that the rest of us are actually working!
19. Favourite place to be? At home with my Glugster!
20. How did you bring in the New Year? Sheesh… I’ve drawn a complete blank, I cannot remember!
21. Like to go? Flying? Skydiving? For lunch? I have no idea…
22. I had been told that the training procedure with cats was difficult.  It’s not.  Mine had me trained in two days.  ~Bill Dana
23. Do you own slippers? Several pairs! I love them!
24. What colour shirt are you wearing? Pink and grey stripes, one of those faux knitted-vest-over-a-white-button-shirt thingies
25. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? I have honestly never experienced satin sheets!
26. Can you whistle? Along to a song, yes. Loudly, no.
27. Favourite colour? Shades of purple or black (ja ja, I know black’s not a colour).
28. Would you be a pirate? Erm… only if I could be the captain. The one who keeps all the loot and has decent sleeping quarters!
29. What songs do you sing in the shower? I don’t, I talk to my Glugster.
30. Favourite girl’s name? “Caitlin”
31. Favourite boy’s name? “Cornelius”
32. What’s in your pocket right now? I don’t have any pockets today…
33. Last person that made you laugh? My Glugster!
34. Worst injury you’ve ever had? I believe I broke my collarbone as a baby, but I have always been a bit of a chicken so I never broke another bone. I had stitches once as a child because I was walking along a little wall and fell on my face.
35. Do you love where you live? Oh yes!
36. How many TV’s do you have in your house? Two!
37. Who is your loudest friend? Well, they have to compete with me a lot of the time… sooooo… Anelle maybe?
38. How many pets do you have? We have 3 cats and a teenager!
39. Someone have a crush on you? My sweet Glugster of course!
40. What is your favourite book? I have so many I couldn’t possibly choose one!
41. What is your favourite candy? Wrigley’s Orbit Professional Mints, mixed berry flavour
42. Favourite Sports Team? Ferrari F1
43. What were you doing at 12AM last night? I may have been watching a recorded episode of “Middleman”, otherwise I was asleep.
44. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? That it was way too dark outside!
45. Worst habit? Procrastination…
46. Do you play an instrument? Does my laptop count? No? Okay, then no- I don’t.
47. How long does it take you to get to work? That depends on whether or not I have to drop the knucklehead off at school, so it varies between 20 minutes and an hour.
48. Plans for the weekend? So far, only Laura-Kim’s birthday party, woot!
49. If you could eat anything in the world right this second? KFC popcorn chicken…
50. Love is a symbol of eternity.  It wipes out all sense of time, destroying all memory of a beginning and all fear of an end.  ~Author Unknown