Issues. I Haz Dem.

I work fairly hard at maintaining relationships. It sounds kak to say I work at them, but that’s pretty much what it is. It’s fairly easy with friends and family because I love them and I want to keep contact with them.

And no need to panic, I’m not going to go into my life with my darling Glugster… ‘coz that’s hardly work at all. I think it may be illegal in some countries to be this happy in love. Sorry to disappoint you if that’s what you thought I was going to go on about…

Lemme give you an example of how I “work” at relationships.

To start with, I have scheduled reminders in my cellphone for specific phone calls.

I call my brother on a Tuesday, I call my daddy darling on a Wednesday, and I call my sisters B and C on a Thursday. I call my bestest best friend in Australia every Sunday. I don’t have reminders for my mommy darling because I phone her several times a week.

I call da Bruvva and my sisters because I don’t see much of them. And yes, I know I see a lot more of them than a lot of families see of each other. But we’re grownups with relationships and jobs and families that take up our time, and I call them because several “funny” emails and traded text messages a week is not enough for me. I want to know how they are and how the kids are and how work/ life/ the universe is treating them.

I call my daddy darling because he isn’t online like the rest of us, and just because I speak to my mommy darling several times a week doesn’t mean my daddy darling feels like he’s in touch. He also likes to be in contact. I also phone my granny darling every now and then, though I don’t have a scheduled reminder for that.

Anyhoodle.

These are the easy relationships to maintain.

 

I also contact my friends on a regular basis. I am lucky enough to have daily contact with a lot of my friends through Twitter, FB and blogging- and the ones I don’t speak to daily I email or send text messages to regularly. I even have a weekly “newsletter” that I sent to my non-blogging friends and family every Monday (which I admit has fallen a bit by the wayside in the last month or so, so maybe I should say I “had” a newsletter).

These are also easy relationships to maintain because they are reciprocal. I might not hear from them as often as they hear from me- but I do hear from them.

Yes okay, I know, I’m high maintenance and attention hungry. You all know I’m a comment slut anyway so that shouldn’t be a surprise.

 

Then there are the ADHDer families that I “mentor”. I also email or text them on a regular basis. If I haven’t heard from them for a while, then I assume their rollercoasters are coasting gently up hill, and all is well. I just want to let them know that I think of them often and that they are more than welcome to contact me if their rollercoaster does start screaming downhill all of a sudden! I also send them interesting tidbits I may find about developments in the ADHDer world, or events they might like to attend.

 

And I have four godchildren.

My BBF’s two boys- R and D who are now down under, my sister B’s eldest- M, and my Aunt M’s daughter- K.

I see my nephew M quite often, and he’s 16 and not really interested in grownups so I’m not terribly worried about him. He gets a little bit of pocket money from me every month, which I increase every year just before his birthday instead of giving him a gift. He’s very money savvy too. He’s saved up his money and bought himself something he wants quite a few times.

 

I have also been putting money into my goddaughter’s bank account since she was a baby, because she lives in KZN and I don’t see her very often at all. I also used to phone her every month, just to speak to her- so she’d know who I am. I haven’t done that in ages… but what gets to me, and gets under my skin, is that I never hear from her! I know she’s too young to think of things like that herself. I mean, she’s in grade one and all she can think of is horse riding school friends- but I would expect her mom, my aunt M, to think that far.

Am I being unreasonable?

I mean, I’m not her benefactor. I’m not putting her through school. But I don’t think I’m going completely overboard when I expect a little effort from their side…?

 

…come play on my rollercoaster…

About Angel

Wife, mom, cake artist, Guide Dog puppy raiser, ADHD champion, wedding planner, and tattooed cat slave.

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14 Responses to Issues. I Haz Dem.

  1. Angel says:

    Laura, Lulu, Karen Griffith Gryga:

    Jeanette: that was not my intention… 😉

    Panni: I would fully expect to take some, if not all, responsibility for my cousin should something happen to my aunt. I am not her only godmother though, so there’s no hard and fast agreement. Thanks for the input.

    zola: Well then I’m glad I could help a little!
    😀

    Gen: and I <3 you!

    Malicious Intent: See, no contact is exactly what I don’t want- especially with my siblings- so I keep it going… I have been tempted though, on several occasions, to move far far away! I sometimes wonder how long it’d take them to realise I was gone?
    And honestly, I do get a lot of help from them- emotionally and such. I woulda never been able to raise the knucklehead completely on my own!
    Strongs girl. I have only a small idea of what it’s like with your family.

    Darla: Why thank you!

    Mel: Ja, I s’pose I’m going to have to suck it up and speak to the mom…

    Coral: Oy, and its so easy not to speak to someone… and before you know it its been 5 years and no-one knows what the lack of contact was about! I think I’ll be safe from the “Uh… dad?” type situation because I’m only a godmother. And I won’t allow her to get the impression that that will ever be okay. Its much harder to avoid that with your children.

    Kai: I am not inviting several family members to our wedding because I haven’t communicated with them in any way shape or form for well over 2 years! I also have several “old friends” who are not going to be invited for the same reason.

  2. Kai says:

    Actually, to clarify that last comment – it should be ‘if the answer is no to either of those questions, then I don’t want to invite them! He’s getting a couple by me because they really are *old* freinds, but some, male and female, nuh uh. I don’t see how someone can be freinds with someone else and *not* be in touch more often.

  3. Kai says:

    Nah – with you on this one. I’m rubbish at keeping up with people at the moment cause everything is *so* up in the air, but I’m trying. I gave in on freinds though that wouldn’t at least try as much in return long ago – I can’t be doing with it. My other half is a bit more laid back, but wedding plans have already been firmly outlined – if these people on the list aren’t people that phone and talk to you (and if so, why didn’t you tell me back then?) Are these people that email you regularly, because thier social skills are lacking for phones? then I don’t want to invite them. Rant comin on the ‘mommy blog’ I think 😉

  4. Coral says:

    Hmm, I agree with Mel.

    My husband’s daughter only phones if she want something. And usually butters me up first before phoning him!! He says he get a “uh, Dad…” and knows what’s coming next.

    So what is better, no contact or the “uh, dad..”??

    I didn’t speak to my sister for years because I waite dfor her to phone me.

  5. Mel says:

    Impressive!
    You need to let her mom know she needs to make an effort and teach her daughter to phone you and include you in her life. If she is not making the effort or not interested , I would cut my ties

  6. Darla says:

    I am thoroughly impressed and love your commitment. I feel the frustration … no one likes one way communication and it’s terribly hard sometimes to be the sole iniator on the communication plane.

  7. I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all. For years if I did not do all of the calling, contacting and arranging of family get togethers, there would be none. And I was the one with the most burden to bare. So I have no stopped and guess what….no one calls, no one has get together’s, etc. TOUGH. I am not a baby sitter and if I learned from that family to have the consideration to call on birthdays and special events, they can do it too. They all have way more free time on their hands than I do, and really, we are the ones who need help. So I don’t extend anything anymore. If you call, GREAT. If you don’t…it’s not going to ruin my day and I am not going to hold my breath waiting. Just got to tired of doing all the work.

    And my parents forgot my son’s birthday all together. I screwed up this week on what day it was on….they were clueless. They only have two grandchildren, both of which are my kids. They are retired and have PLENTY of time of do things. So not feeling like being very understanding at this point. I was even asked today what he would like for his birthday. Um…he doesn’t know he has a birthday. He has the mentality of a 3 year old. How about a gift card to a dept store so we can get him clothes.

    Argh! Sorry…..that whole family thing and one person doing all of the work just really gets me. You should be getting more calls yourself and not doing all of the work…cause it seems like a lot of it, you are doing it all. I hope that is not the case.

  8. Gen says:

    I LOVE YOU 🙂

  9. You are so organized in how you keep in touch with everyone. I am VERY impressed. I used to be much better about keeping in touch with my family and friends but, as you know, things are a little harder right now so I try to be easy on myself.

    Having said that – you are right – relationships by definition are relations that go two ways. If you are doing all of the heavy lifting all of the time … well you do get tired after a while!! All I can say is be upfront and direct (limit the emotion if possible) with what you are feeling and see what happens!

    Karen
    http://www.lipstickwisdom.com
    http://www.twitter.com/lipstickwisdom

  10. zola says:

    Wow! I must say that reading your blog entry today, is such an inspiration to me on how I can actually go the extra mile in keeping contact with family members and friends.

    Your blog entry gave me a few ideas on how to keep in touch with my own family and how to remind myself of doing it, like the reminders you set yourself on your phone. That is a great idea, thank you.

  11. Panni says:

    Well I don’t know the arrangement. But I, as godmother to my sisters two kiddies, get custody if (God forbid) anything had to happen to her and her hubby. For that you need a good relationship, so I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all if that were the case. Even if not, effort should be put in from both sides.

  12. Jeanette says:

    Well, now I feel guilty!! I’m so very bad at keeping in contact with everyone.

  13. Lulu says:

    Hey you. I agree that some effort should be made on both sides. It isn’t nice having a ‘one way’ commitment to something. I’m afraid if I am doing all the “work” in any given relationship I eventually give up. You are a better person than me! My sis in law and I get on sooooo well when we together and we pretty close but we can go for months with no contact, actually it is sad. I admire your commitment!

  14. Laura says:

    I dont think thats unreasonable at all Angel – in fact I think its fair!! The fact that you do pay a little money over and do make the effort shows that you WANT to be in her life. I embrace people like that in my kids life and try as far as I can to maintain contact!!!

    Oh and I really find twitter an awesome way (easy) way to keep up to date with friends!