I Have Got To Do Something…

And there’s not a lot I can do.


I’ve decided to go back on the pill.

I’m not ecstatic about it, but I will learn to live with it. I just can’t take the disappointment month after month.

Yes- even though I KNOW, I know, that there is no chance of my sweetheart and I having a baby without expensive, emotionally draining and time consuming medical intervention- I still hope, and I am still upset every time my period starts.


Since my Glugster and I started trying to have a baby of our own almost 2 years ago, there have been 15 babies born to friends inside my social circle.

We stopped “trying” about 6 months ago, and I mean “trying” as in no more ovulation timing, no more Pre-Seed, no more checking the ovulation microscope… and there’s still an HPT in my bedside drawer that seems to mock me every time I come across it. That’s going to be tossed too.

At the moment it’s as if everyone around me is pregnant! Like our trying to have a baby worked for everyone else. At the moment I have no less than 13 friends and a sister-in-law-to-be all having babies before the end of October this year!

There’s a new announcement almost every week!

One of my oldest friends is turning 40 this year, and she’s pregnant! It was a surprise for her and her hubby, and they’re very excited and they’re wonderful parents, but when I got her text message I swore till there was a little blue cloud around my head and I all but threw my phone!


And then I upset my darling Glugster by phoning him in tears to tell him it happened again! And I know I upset him when I tell him why I’m heartsore, because he feels powerless to do anything about why I am upset.

My hero can’t be my hero.


I think going back on the pill may help ease my personal disappointment every month because then there’s not even a reason to hope.


I dunno how long it will take to stop being upset over other people’s pregnancies and new babies. I dunno how long that “why can’t it be me” feeling will take to go away. I dunno if it will ever go away…

But at least I may be able to do something to put a stop to my own feelings of failure, to finally get rid of all expectations.

25 thoughts on “I Have Got To Do Something…

  1. I know this comment is not going to help one tiny little bit but seeing Glugster with the kids on Saturday made me just want to weep for you guys. As we were walking to the car you and Shaz were ahead I am not sure if you saw, G and Rachel, she had her hand in his telling him something about whales. Somedays I really do wish there was just a little magic to go around.
    .-= Sally-Jane´s last blog ..10 things =-.

  2. I’m so sorry. I know it won’t make you feel any better, but I really do know how you feel. I feel like bashing someones head in every time my period starts again. I hope that some day you will have a little angel in your arms.
    .-= Sproetgesiggie´s last blog ..Dis Ekke =-.

  3. I’m just joining the rest of the ladies in sending big hugs and peace to you, in whatever form you can find it, Angel. Sometimes there are no words and life can be so damn unfair.

  4. Hi. I got your blog info from a friend of mine. I do feel your pain. I’m trying to get pregnant again for more than a year now and nothing is happening. Every baby announcement/news breaks my heart and I feel guilty of the jealous feelings. I have a 6 year old daughter (conceived naturally) so it makes it all so mysterious – why can’t I conceive again?

    I wish you all the best and a miracle baby!
    .-= Grace in Dubai´s last blog ..Human twirling, whirling machines =-.

  5. You are ever my symbiotic twin! I was just discussing going on the pill because for once … after 30 years … I would love to be able to skip a single period since my ovaries just won’t play nice. I would love to give you a big HUG in person! But instead, damn the ocean! you must just feel it ::hug::
    .-= Darla´s last blog ..oh how i love thee =-.

  6. Aww I know how you feel as you know and i wish i had some wisdom to share. I get upset every time i hear someone is pregnant i tend to feel such a rage when it comes to that. i haven’t been on BC for nearly 7 years and it doesn’t get easier – it hasn’t for me at least i still cry and want to scream.
    .-= Katy´s last blog ..Hitting the slope =-.

  7. My heart is so very sore for you Angel. I can’t say that this is nearly …not even NEARLY as painful as it is for you but I always get that ‘why can’t it be me’ feeling when someone has a daughter. Then I think of how badly you just want a CHILD and I feel guilty. ((((hugs))))
    .-= Melany´s last blog ..Valentines day =-.

  8. Who wants babies anyway – they’re smelly little shit makers.

    Awww, okay – bad joke. I know.

    My angel-pie – I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I hope for yours and your gluggie’s sake that soon you will feel no pain. In the mean time, know that we all love you so much.

    And that I’m crossing my legs in your honour. Jon says “f*ck you”. Hehe. Kidding.

    .-= Shebee´s last blog ..How to survive your first day at a new job: =-.

  9. I am so sorry that this is making you sad. I do understand the need to have some control. I wish you all the best and lots and lots of love and hugs..xxx

  10. 🙁 It sucks that you’re hurting, Angel, and I can’t think of a pair of people less deserving of such heartache.

    Wish there were more I could say or do…
    .-= MeeA´s last blog ..Little Boy Blue =-.

  11. Oh girl, I feel for you. I really do. And I know that no words can console. But miracles do happen.

    My gynea had her first child with IVF after 10 years of trying and 5 failed IVF. Then they wanted no 2 – after 4 failed IVF they decided to leave it. They would never have another one. Last year at my check up she was pregnant. Unexpectedly, all on their own. At 41. She said that we should never, even if medical science say we can’t, believe we can not fall pregnant. It does happen. Look at Tertia.

    I know this is not what you want to hear this morning, but I do hope that it does serve as a bit of comfort to you. Maybe go on the pill for a few months and then just leave it, forget about it. I know it is impossible (I have been there), but try at least.

    Lots of l ove and light to you.
    .-= cat@juggling act´s last blog ..10 Things I have learned this weekend… =-.

  12. I dont see the point of going back on the pill, obviously I understand what you wrote and your reason, but as a smoker and over 30 you shouldn’t be taking the pill number one, secondly since it’s not for skin issues or as contraception then it’s not worth it, just pretend you’re taking the pill mentally or something, I dont think the disappointment will go away because you’re on the pill, you have to adjust mentally.

    I know how it must suck and be really, really difficult when so many people around you have babies, that makes it 100 times worse. That’s life :/ it doesn’t always go our way.

  13. sorry to hear you’re having a hard time! Maybe if you stop trying it will just happen you know when you’re not thinking about it? Does that even make sense haha
    .-= Phats´s last blog ..It’s amazing =-.

  14. **hugs** I know so well how you feel. If its any consolation (though I doubt it) my lowest moment was when my lil sis called to tell me she was pregnant (3rd child and she’s not even 30); the first thought through my head was ‘she’s giving it me, she doesn’t want it’ and then she told me how happy she was and that she hoped it was a boy. My heart broke into a million pieces, especially because of my horrid thought.
    I’ll be sending lots of loving, healing vibes to you, I hope it eases and passes till your angel comes along
    .-= SwissTwist´s last blog ..Sunday meme madness =-.

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