It Finally Happened…

Are you singing the Queen song now? I always do when I hear this phrase… and in this case it may even be apt…

I’m going slightly mad. It finally happened. I’m knitting with only one needle…

 

I have so much to blog about, oh ever loyal bunnies of mine!

I haven’t even told you about the Feather Awards- which I didn’t win, as I’m sure you may have guessed.

I’ve been given an award by no less than 5 extraordinary bloggers.

I’m going to be speaking at the ADHASA Vaal Seminar for parents again- which I am so stoked about.

I’m baking up a storm.

AnGlug wedding plans are going swimmingly, and I still have some invitations to mail.

I haven’t had a chance to read and comment on blogs like I usually do, which I am very sad about. Please don’t think I’m lurking- especially if you’re used to me commenting on everything… I haven’t even been able to read at all, and I’m feeling very “out of the loop”. But I am determined to get back to reading and commenting the way I love to do. Thank goodness I can stay “connected” via Twitter.

 

But first I have to get these spinning, deafening thoughts out of my head.

 

Tonight, at 6:45PM, Damien finally asked.

 

Tonight, we decided to do a bit of a family outing since we’d had such an uber relaxing, chilled day. Chinese for supper at Zen Garden- and the irony of the name is not lost on me– and the Clash Of the Titans in 3D.

We were about to have dessert at Zen Garden after a divine supper of duck and veggies and pancakes and soup and noodles and rice, and kidding around with each other like we do. Damien said something silly and I asked my Glugster if I could head-butt Damien, who giggled maniacally and said I’d be sorry since he had such a hard head. I said I had one too, and he asked if he got his from me or from his father. I said it was entirely probable he had his father’s hard head, and a split second later he said “Speaking of my father, I think I’d like to meet him.”

 

He went on to say something about how its been a year since he turned 18, and I believe I answered him and said it was okay and that I’ll look for him, but I was kind of on auto pilot. I think I even asked him questions about whether he’d thought about where or how he wanted to do it. And I said he must remember that his father may not want to speak to him, especially if he hasn’t told his wife…

I’ve been trying to prepare myself for this moment for years, but my head was full of this rushing noise like I was in a decompressing airplane and all I could think was fuck no. No. I’m not ready. Please no. Fuck. Not yet. I’ve got too much to do.

I reckon I deserve an Oscar for my performance tonight bunnies. I betrayed none of my panic and fear and sadness as I spoke to my son. Not a bit. We didn’t even talk about it very long, and then we headed out to see the movie, laughing about our stack of leftovers in take away boxes.

 

I haven’t stopped thinking about it of course.

 

Now I have to find the man. I know his sister is on Facebook. And I admit was momentarily tempted to send him a message via his wife on Facebook… but I resisted. I know where his parents live, if they’re still there, so I can leave a letter for him in their mailbox…

 

For so long I hoped that I would be enough. That Damien’s extended family would be enough. That with everything I and we have done and tried and loved that he wouldn’t ever feel the need to look for this man. Sometimes I wish I’d told him nothing, or told him he was dead. But only sometimes, and not for a long time. I was almost starting to think it wouldn’t happen.

And I always dreamed that if he ever met his paternal family he would be dux scholar and head boy and an A student and at varsity. I hoped for a long time that if they met I could half rub their noses in his success, in what they missed out on…

 

I have a lot to process. I’ll try to keep you all up to date.

About Angel

Wife, mom, cake artist, Guide Dog puppy raiser, ADHD champion, wedding planner, and tattooed cat slave.

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26 Responses to It Finally Happened…

  1. mommanats says:

    What a difficult situation. I have never been in a situation like this or had anybody close to me.

    Just know that you raised a well behaved (most of the time) teenager with enough savy to make his own decicions and query the world around him!

    I’m sure when he meets his dad, it will just once again confirm to him that you are the best and most important person in his life!

    STRONGS!!!
    .-= mommanats´s last blog ..Words of Wisdom =-.

  2. Tamara says:

    Hectic, Angel. This is what we chatted about when I last saw you at Design Quarter. So weird how things change so quickly. Well done on the way you’ve handled it. All the best with the next bit.
    .-= Tamara´s last blog ..Greetings, Blogland =-.

  3. acidicice says:

    Damien asking to meet his father is not a reflection on you or the job you have done raising him. The conversation leading up to his request seems to indicate that he is curious to know/see what characteristics he has inherited from him.

    Even though my relationship with My Evil Mother has soured and I no longer have any respect for her, I still want affirmation from my father and want to see whether I have his eyes/nose/mouth/ears, etc.

    The worst that could happen in my opinion is that Damien can be disappointed by his father (i.e. he doesn’t want to see him).

    *huggles* I know this is difficult for you, but from someone who never got to know her father, it is mere curiosity that he wants to satisfy.
    .-= acidicice´s last blog ..I hit my internet cap =-.

  4. Sharon says:

    I think it speaks volumes that it has taken Damien this long to ask to see his father. Clearly you ARE enough!
    Try not to stress and just continue to be there for your boy – it is obvious that you have done an amazing job so far. Hugs and strength to you friend.
    .-= Sharon´s last blog ..Hospitals, Cars and Great Grandma =-.

  5. Terri says:

    Angel, it’s already been said in the previous comments. The family that Damien has in you and yours IS enough. This is totally separate from that, it is a natural curiosity. My dad died when I was little yet I still had fantasies growing up about meeting him and knowing him (maybe it was a mistake… maybe he was still out there somewhere… sad, but true). Damien has probably wondered about his biological father his whole life and now he feels he is grown-up enough to handle the truth, and also to ask in such a way as to not hurt you.bThis is not going to take anything away from you, it will only set your wonderful boy’s mind at rest. And yours, for that matter.
    Well done on keeping it together. Seriously.
    PS… For the record, I totally started singing the Queen song when I read the title.
    .-= Terri´s last blog ..Creepy Neighbours =-.

  6. It is absolutely NO reflection on you, or the amount of love you’ve given him, which makes him want to seek his father. It is natural instinct to want to know where you have come from. I can see how knowing this wouldn’t make the slightest bit of difference to *your* feelings on the matter and I wish you strength as you deal with all of this. You single handedly raised a son for 18 years. I reckon that that is every bit as good of an achievement than being a dux scholar or what not. That is just *stuff*.

    Sending you strength and patience.
    .-= NessWorld Magazine´s last blog ..Why You Need to Spend More Time on Facebook: How Social Media Can Connect WAHMs to Their Professional Network =-.

  7. ExMi says:

    wow. that was totally unexpected…and totally expected…and i’m pretty sure that’s how you’re feeling.

    i hope you guys resolve this – and remember – don’t worry about damien disappointing his dad with the way he’s turned out – worry about damien being disappointed in his dad. sounds like (and i always seem to be the one raising the negative points) that it’s more than likely to happen than the other way around…

    you’ve done a superb job with Damien. you’ve proved you deserve to be in his life. now it’s time for his father (to hopefully) want to do the same.

    thinking of you guys xx
    .-= ExMi´s last blog .. =-.

  8. Julia says:

    Oh honey…I can feel your angst and your pain and your emotion in this post.
    You are enough. Your family is enough. Your boy is a vibrant, intelligent young man.
    This is just something that he needs to do. It’s going to be hard for both of you but both of you will cope. All the best to you both.
    Biggest Hugs..xxx

  9. CloudF says:

    This must be the hardest thing. Total respect for the way you handled it. Here’s the one thing you cannot protect your son against. But just a little secret… being an awesome mom like you are is enough.

  10. Katy says:

    First of – Damien is a success. While it may not seems so to you on tough days – you did an amazing job with him and just look at all the obstacles you overcame as a single mom. I dare them to call him anything but. You have been an amazing mother and done more than anyone could hope for. If I ever get my wish and become a mom I would like to just have a little bit of your passion, patience and “motherliness” (sorry pretty sure that’s note a word)
    Second as a child who does not know her father – and never will as he committed suicide when i was younger I can understand where he is coming from. This is by no means a reflection on how he feels about you or the job you have done raising him. Its normal for us to want to know where we come from. I would love to know my father – or his family if there is any. I do not even know his name and have never seen a picture of him. My mom says its for political reasons and he is not listed anywhere for me to find out for that reason.

    Don’t worry it will be fine remember he is your little boy and will always be that no matter how his future relationship is going to be with his father.
    .-= Katy´s last blog ..Sunday creation =-.

  11. Dawn says:

    You can SO rub their noses in not only who Damien in but also in all the stuff you and him have in common,the good and the bad. You are enough for him,its probably just curiosity and he’ll know exactly who/what his ‘father’ is after meeting him and it’ll just make your bond with him all the stronger. He may enem think that now the Glugster is around its ‘safe’ for him to ask you about the pther ne coz he knows that you’ve got someone who’ll support you through it.
    Hugs and positive vibes from me to you xxxxx

  12. Bobbi Janay says:

    All I can say is bug Hugs.
    .-= Bobbi Janay´s last blog ..What’s in Yours? =-.

  13. cybersass says:

    wow – i was just answering some interview questions and one of them was about why i only met my brothers and sisters when i was 14.
    look, i can’t say that my father and i created any great relationship once i met him and to say the least, i think i was pretty disappointed, but i also have to tell you, i’m glad i did. there was a sense of closure – yeah, that word. no more wondering, no more fantasies… the reality might have been different to what i wanted, but at least the questions stopped. or at least some of them stopped as new ones started.
    i’m thinking of you as you go through this difficult process. you’re an amazing mom. xxx
    .-= cybersass´s last blog ..i’ll have nun o’ that! =-.

  14. Charms says:

    I had the same question asked by Juan. The “meeting of the sperm donor” is still to be organised and I’m not looking forward to it as I don’t want Juan to be disappointed or hurt. He may be 18, but he’s still my baby and I’ll do anything to protect him. Good luck.

  15. cassey says:

    Thanks for this post…I now finally get why my mother freaked out when I asked her about meeting mine. Yay you for not having Damien see that you were freaking out, it would have put him off and then he’d be where I am now, unable to follow through with something you want to do. It might just be this one meeting and he might – like I want – to just see where he gets these bits that don’t come from mom come from.
    .-= cassey´s last blog ..25/04/09 =-.

  16. blackhuff says:

    “hugs”
    .-= blackhuff´s last blog ..Welcome Friday =-.

  17. This is HUGE!! Hope you do find him though for Damien… even though it will be hard ((hugs))
    .-= Jeanette Verster´s last blog ..The Parshotam Family Photoshoot =-.

  18. Briget says:

    WOW!
    Really tough situation, but when all is said and done just remember that even though the knucklehead is not an A student or DUX or any of those ridiculously unnecessary titles that don’t really mean anything anyway, he is an incredibly strong and vibrant young man and more importantly he is your fabulously handsome incredibly strong and vibrant young man who is fulled with love for you.

    And in true form of his inquisitive nature he is now asking the tough questions, the tough questions that he felt comfortable enough to ask you and grown up enough to tackle 😉

    ((HUGE HUGS))
    .-= Briget´s last blog ..Being a dancemat diva and a granny 😉 =-.

  19. Oh this is so tough and so emotional. He is a stunning young man with a radiant personality – he will do you proud. I really hope he doesn’t get disappointed.

    My one cousin was adopted as a little girl and when she decided to meet her birth family it was drama for us all. At all of 18 years she came home after the visit to tell her mom that even though they are her blood, her adoptive family is her heart. Maybe he will feel the same , although the circumstances are very different. He is part of such a great family.

  20. MeeA says:

    You have raised a beautiful son, Angel, and they most certainly have missed out! And whatever happens, I’m sure you guys will come out at the other end as close and happy and as much your wonderful selves as ever.
    .-= MeeA´s last blog ..Blogger Love =-.

  21. Gilz says:

    You will both do the right thing…..good luck
    .-= Gilz´s last blog ..My New Toy! =-.

  22. Kerryn says:

    They did miss out Angel. They missed out on the hugs, the laughs, the joy, the love. No matter what success Damien has or has not achieved, they missed out on the most important stuff – the love. It’s their loss.
    Keep strong – you are enough. He must be curious, I bet he is strong enough to deal with however it turns out, and all because you are his mom, and you’ll be there to help him through it.
    Oh and well done for the calm demeanor!!
    .-= Kerryn´s last blog ..It’s a fight to the death =-.

  23. phillygirl says:

    Wow lady. Must be such a helluva lot to process for you right now. Am thinking of you. And well done on staying calm on the outside, I can only imagine how difficult that must’ve been!
    .-= phillygirl´s last blog ..Last Working Day Before 30 =-.

  24. Laura says:

    Oi! What an emotional time – you know my feelings on this! You did the right thing my friend! And have raised an awesome kid!

    Strength and love to you both!
    .-= Laura´s last blog ..I am a beautiful blogger =-.

  25. Louisa says:

    *big huggs* That’s rough Angel. So what if Damien isn’t an academic giant dux whatever? He’s still a lovely person and you and him have a lot to be proud of. He might not even want to do more than meet the jerk anyway, some morbid fascination just to see and get it out of his system. Let’s hope it’s a once off thing and then you really can put it behind you without wondering when it might one day come up or happen.
    .-= Louisa´s last blog ..103 – 109 of 365 =-.