Venturing Into New Territory…

and I could REALLY use some suggestions.

Tonight we are meeting with the knucklehead’s biological father at a restaurant. Neutral territory. My Glugster and I are going with Damien, but I’m not even sure thats the right thing to do. Do we sit elsewhere and let them talk? Do we sit together and try to make small talk? I have no idea how I am to behave towards him. The bitch in me wants to be cold and non-smiling, and the alternative means I have to be polite and smile. Are we going to have long uncomfortable silences? Does he want to meet Damien alone? I mean… technically the knucklehead is a grown up, so I should let him do this alone shouldn’t I?

Lawd, I wish this was over already. My stomach is in a knot. I’ve been on the brink of bawling my eyes out since I woke up and realised what day it was. Not from sadness, but from nervousness. I haven’t seen him since about November 1990, and we spoke on the phone once when the knucklehead was about a week old. I have seen him around shopping malls and such- but thats always at a distance and we pass each other as if we were strangers. If I didn’t point him out to you you’d never guess we even knew each other.

How do I now learn to share my child.

Help…

I Am…

I just am. I’m here. 🙂

I have no less than 7 cupcake orders for The Cupcake Lady for this weekend, one of which is for a wedding I’m going to be delivering to on Saturday morning. I love that I have that many orders, but it means there’s not much time for other things. I have finally completed my wedding planning course and handed in my assignment- my presentation was done last night- which frees up my Monday nights again and what I am looking forward to most is lying in bed watching hours and hours of PVR with my darling Glugster!

I’ve missed out so much on all the blogs I usually read… I haven’t been able to do any reading in days!! I miss you guys something awful!

We applied to adopt a couple of dogs from Wetnose and the adoption has been approved. My Glugs and the knucklehead will be fetching them on Saturday June 5th. We coulda done it sooner, but I’d rather be home most of the weekend when they do arrive. Now we go to get a big kennel for them, and collars and leashes and bowls and such.

My daddy darling is really battling with his diabetes, kidneys and blood pressure. His diabetes is mostly under control, but his kidneys are shot and currently functioning at 19%. This forks with his blood pressure something chronic and he can’t keep food down. He can’t sleep which means he can’t recover even a little bit.  He’s now having Eprex shots to aid his drastic anemia, which they say will help with his dreadful nausea and sleeping issues as well as his generally feeling down and having no energy. I do hope it helps. We’re all dreadfully worried about him and my mommy darling is taking serious strain.

The situation with the knucklehead’s father weighs heavily on my heart. A big part of me genuinely wishes he’d ignored my letter, or told me he doesn’t want to meet the knucklehead. When I told Damien he’d called me back and we’d made plans to meet- which is now happening on Monday night May 31st– Damien wasn’t hugely excited or anything, he just said “Cool.” which is his standard response. Then yesterday I left my phone at home by accident, and Damien was answering it for me. His father phoned, and Damien says the man was so excited to talk him! The knucklehead was so chuffed he even emailed me to tell me his father is psyched to meet him. Firstly when the knucklehead mailed me I thought he’d been phoned on his phone so I was anxiously curious about how his father had gotten his number, but when I was driving home I was thinking about it and I registered he’d probably called on my number. Apparently he called to say he could help the knucklehead find a job, and that also got me curious because I hadn’t said anything to him about that aspect… which again makes me wonder if he’s reading me here… but that just has me curious. What’s getting to me is how stoked Damien is to meet him. Its making me heartsore that he is so eager and excited to meet his biological father. I am very glad he is, I think I would much rather have him happy about it that being miserable and pissed off with the man… but at the same time I really wish he wasn’t looking forward to it quite so much. Does that make sense…? I do wish he’d waited till after the wedding to ask me to find the man though… I coulda done without the additional stress at this point 😐

The wedding plans are going fabulously well. I would like to get as much as possible sorted and finalised and paid before the world cup starts because so many of my service providers are bus during the world cup. Our wedding dance is going to be great fun. We’re working on that every week now too. And there’s still time to make a donation to my nephew Nathan’s account for the “seat raffle” if you’d like to… 😛

My job is busy as all hell. We’re all paddling furiously to keep our heads above water, and all I want to do is stay home and bake 🙁

Hopefully things will get back to my version of normal soon…

He Called!!!

I announced it on Twitter on the day it happened, but I didn’t blog about it… Sorry!

The knucklehead’s father called me the evening of the day I dropped off the letter! I was quite stunned! Glugs and I were at dancing, and when we got back I had a missed call and a voice message. I didn’t recognise his voice at all, but he said he’d received the letter and could I please call him back.

I sat there with the phone in my hands for probably 5 minutes before I actually called him back. I can’t put into words what I was feeling at the time, but I dearly DEARLY wished I didn’t have to call him back. A piece of me had been hoping he wouldn’t make contact at all.

When I eventually did dial his number it was 9PM, so I took it as a good sign that he answered since it meant he had spoken to his wife about my boy. I could also hear her in the background while we spoke. We didn’t chat at all. I had said in the note that the knucklehead had asked me to find him so we simply made arrangements for where we could meet. We picked a restaurant we both knew how to get to, and that was it. We’ll confirm closer to the time, but we now have a meeting planned. He didn’t sound excited over the phone, nor did he sound disappointed. He sounded… prepared. I got the sense, from his tone of voice, that he had been preparing himself for the likelihood of the knucklehead making contact, just as we had.

The knucklehead was typically unexcited when I told him he’d called. I think I got a non-commital “cool” which is his standard response to everything. Sometimes I WISH he’d show a little excitement…

Anyhoodle. I’ve spent the last few days trying to imagine what this meeting is going to be like. The three of us- me, the knucklehead and Glugs- will all be going together so that we have each other as back-up. I am assuming he will bring his wife, but I will confirm all this with him when I speak to him again.

Just something on a side note… I have always referred to the knucklehead’s father as his father. I’ve never spoken about him as his “dad” because to me, personally, there’s a big difference between the two words. Anyone can be a father, not everyone can be a dad.

I Am Afraid…

I am afraid my knucklehead will like his father, and they’ll get on with each other and want to spend time together. I know its a ridiculously selfish feeling and I should banish it… but it keeps coming back. I am afraid that he will like his paternal family, and want to see more of them, taking him away from me. Thats what it boils down to. I never had to deal with the seperation anxiety and stress of weekend parenting, but I may have to deal with some form of it soon.

I am afraid I will never be able to put aside the longing to have a baby with my darling Glugster. Its easier than it used to be, a lot easier, but its still there. The want, the ache, is still there. It gets less every month but its still there. And now its morphed a little into fearing that it will be there forever. Baby showers and friends’ babies do not “upset” me (for lack of a better word), but pregnancy announcements? And people talking about their pregnancies? That still makes me first feel a short-lived stab of nasty spite and jealousy before I feel “normal”. Before I can get excited and happy, I feel “why not me“. Every time.

I am afraid I will lose my daddy darling before I am ready. And I will never be ready. His constant battles with his kidneys and blood pressure and diabetes- which all combined make him very sick and miserable- have made him depressed and despondent. There is some hope, but its not quick and its not easy, and there are no guarantees. His health battles make him and my mommy darling exhausted and worried for their future. Instead of my dad enjoying a retirement filled with pursuing his passion for photography, he can barely lift a camera. Instead of him building on their life together, he and my mom are having to count every penny.

I am afraid that I will miss out on opportunities presented me. I don’t want to have a job for the rest of my life. I want a career, and I know it is possible, but I also know I may well pass on opportunities because I am afraid of taking chances.

I am afraid my knucklehead will never feel the inspiration or motivation to make something of himself. I am afraid he will never see what I see.

 

 

I would say I think this little pity party is inspired by PMS, but I think that all the meds and corisone I was on this month brought my period on 10 days EARLY, so now I have no idea where I am in my cycle!

Feel free to click away and leave me to wallow a little.

How To Drive In South Africa

In light of the looming world cup and all the tourists we’re supposed to be expecting, I was watching the cars in my to-work and back-home traffic the other day, and I wondered how a tourist- unused to our roads- would handle it. Especially since the traffic may well get even more complicated around stadiums and city centres during the world cup itself.

I thought I’d republish a series of posts I wrote here, and try and help them out.

 

Lesson # 1

Don’t concern yourself with piddly little things like indicators!

They’re only there to go on and off when you lock and unlock your car remotely or to flicker prettily when you’re at a party and playing your music really loudly!

And your emergency flickers are there for when you’re in a hurry and you need to skip a bunch of robots and or stop streets!

 

Lesson # 2

Don’t worry your pretty little head about something as trivial as stopping at a red light.

When the opposite robot (traffic light for any non-South Africans) goes orange- that’s when you put your foot down, thereby really pissing off the people in oncoming traffic who are still going like bats out of hell despite the fact that they should be stopped or stopping.

 

Lesson # 3

Creeping.

For this lesson you will have to master the art of slowly crossing the intersection and then putting your foot down when there’s half a gap in the oncoming traffic. Don’t worry about whether you’re crossing at a stop street or a robot, it doesn’t matter… and don’t worry about what colour the robot is either!

 

Lesson # 4

This one is possibly the easiest lesson of the lot… a “wave”.

No- not a Mexican wave- or even a royal wave- just a regular wave. Its surprisingly simple, in this country, a wave makes everything A-O-K… everyone from bus drivers and taxi drivers to regular motorists and cyclists use the wave when they… well lets just say you can do what you like as long as you wave at the person you just offended.

 

Lesson # 5

Don’t trouble yourself with things like following distances- if you think you can fit, go for it! And even if you can’t actually fit, the person you’re pushing in front of will probably brake to let you in rather than hit you!

You may actually get where you want to go a full 2.5 seconds earlier than if you stick to the rules!

 

Lesson # 6

Plead ignorance… and if you drive in South Africa then I’m sure you’ve come across this more than once.

This is probably the easiest way to get away with road-hogging and its amazingly simple- what it boils down to, is simply not looking at the person you just hogged. This is achieved by pretending you have a blind spot the size of a basketball in ALL your mirrors at the same time.

 

NB: An advanced technique is combining any of these with #4- the wave- if you do happen to glance at the person and accidentally catch their eye.

 

Can you think of any more?