This morning, I dropped off a letter for the knucklehead’s father asking him to contact me. On the way there my heart was beating so hard I could feel it in my ears! My mouth was dry and I was sweating… and when I mentioned to Damien last night that I hadn’t dropped the letter yet because I was afraid someone would come out of the house and see me- he laughed! I don’t think he realised at all how stressful this would be for me to do! It didn’t occurr to him that I haven’t seen or spoken to his biological father in well over 19 years and I am almost as nervous as he is about doing this.
Perhaps more so!
I popped it in the mailbox of the house where I believe his parents live… And now I am terrified they don’t live there anymore and I’m not going to hear anything from anyone. As it is I jump when the phone rings!
The letter simply says that Damien asked me to track him down, and will he please phone me. And I wrote it on stationery bedecked with cupcakes. Does that seem flippant?
The last couple of weeks have driven me almost barmy with stress! Just thinking about contacting him makes my heart beat so hard it blocks my ears!! And then we were burgled and I was without a phone for a few days so I didn’t drop off the letter… But today I couldn’t put it off any longer.
I am so afraid that my precious boy is going to be hurt. I am terrified that this man is going to decide he doesn’t want to know Damien and my boy is going to be heartsore. You know that no matter how much you discuss something, you can’t predict how its going to make you feel. My nerves at dropping off the letter are a prime example- I would never have guessed it would freak me out so after all these years.
But its done.
And now I wait.