I Am Afraid…

I am afraid my knucklehead will like his father, and they’ll get on with each other and want to spend time together. I know its a ridiculously selfish feeling and I should banish it… but it keeps coming back. I am afraid that he will like his paternal family, and want to see more of them, taking him away from me. Thats what it boils down to. I never had to deal with the seperation anxiety and stress of weekend parenting, but I may have to deal with some form of it soon.

I am afraid I will never be able to put aside the longing to have a baby with my darling Glugster. Its easier than it used to be, a lot easier, but its still there. The want, the ache, is still there. It gets less every month but its still there. And now its morphed a little into fearing that it will be there forever. Baby showers and friends’ babies do not “upset” me (for lack of a better word), but pregnancy announcements? And people talking about their pregnancies? That still makes me first feel a short-lived stab of nasty spite and jealousy before I feel “normal”. Before I can get excited and happy, I feel “why not me“. Every time.

I am afraid I will lose my daddy darling before I am ready. And I will never be ready. His constant battles with his kidneys and blood pressure and diabetes- which all combined make him very sick and miserable- have made him depressed and despondent. There is some hope, but its not quick and its not easy, and there are no guarantees. His health battles make him and my mommy darling exhausted and worried for their future. Instead of my dad enjoying a retirement filled with pursuing his passion for photography, he can barely lift a camera. Instead of him building on their life together, he and my mom are having to count every penny.

I am afraid that I will miss out on opportunities presented me. I don’t want to have a job for the rest of my life. I want a career, and I know it is possible, but I also know I may well pass on opportunities because I am afraid of taking chances.

I am afraid my knucklehead will never feel the inspiration or motivation to make something of himself. I am afraid he will never see what I see.

 

 

I would say I think this little pity party is inspired by PMS, but I think that all the meds and corisone I was on this month brought my period on 10 days EARLY, so now I have no idea where I am in my cycle!

Feel free to click away and leave me to wallow a little.

About Angel

Wife, mom, cake artist, Guide Dog puppy raiser, ADHD champion, wedding planner, and tattooed cat slave.

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27 Responses to I Am Afraid…

  1. Terri says:

    It takes courage to admit your fears and I hope that airing them went some way to helping you feel a bit better. Admitting you’re human doesn’t really count as a pity party {{hugs}}
    .-= Terri´s last blog ..Up Close and Personal =-.

  2. Nicolene says:

    Must say your blog is interesting..

    I totally understand the TTC and unwelcome event of periods each month, my husband and I have been trying to concieve for 5yrs. I dont know if everyone can imagine the yearning to have a child.. from a woman’s perspective… You are Very blessed to have your son. But yes, to have a child with the man a person truly loves.. till death us do part… hard one.. and as we get older.. and our bio clock tick’s away.. (not sure what age you are). And it is heart breaking everytime a person hears someone in the friends circle is preggers.. not that a person is not happy for your friends.. but it is that yearning..

    Check out this link, was on Carte Blanche Medical last night.. interesting reading..

    http://beta.mnet.co.za/carteblanche/Article.aspx?Id=3969&ShowId=3

    Also, was wondering if you have been prayed for re TTC ?

    Although we dont always want to accept these words.. everything happens at the right time that God wants it too, His Perfect time.. it’s tough but we Have to Keep the Faith.. a friend once sent me this “If you wait for peace, you will be able to be obedient with faith. Seek peace; there’s power in having peace. Once u know that God has instructed you, you must do what you can to keep ur peace and not become fearful.”

    Situation with your son and “father” sounds tough.. but good that you have a support system. Everyone involved, you, your better half, son, him and his wife all have to remember this is for your sons peace of mind if you call it that.. his interests need to be kept at heart, although it is stressful/nervous for all of you and involves not just one life but 5 lives.. Pray and God will lead the way.

  3. Alet says:

    Good on you for being completely honest. It helps I think
    ((big hugs))
    .-= Alet´s last blog ..Show your best side =-.

  4. Dawn (the dragon one!) says:

    * tearing you up even – sorry!

  5. Dawn (the dragon one!) says:

    Well I definately have PMS and am blubbing all over the place. I can only imagine how this is teating you up 🙁 however,the Knucklehead knows which side his bread is buttered and it’ll all be fine I’m sure xxx Thinking about you and your family especially Daddy darling xxx
    I am a firm beliver that things only come along when we have the tools in place to handle them . . . Glugs is your ‘tool’ for this and he’ll support you through it. ((hugs))

  6. S E E Quine says:

    Wow. It’s like your life is slowly pulling apart. But you know, it won’t necessarily continue on that way. Life is totally unpredictable. You might get pregnant, or you might find some amazing opportunity that will help you get your career together. You never know if or when something so fortuitous will happen.
    ` You’ve probably read a lot about me and my insane roommates and other things I struggle with, along with poor Lucas getting scammed trying to pursue his career — this is the way it has been pretty much since I met him in 2006.
    ` But now, despite our money woes, I’m doing alright, plus Lucas’ career is taking off, and most recently he’s a movie star — and you can watch his movie on YouTube!

    http://seequine.blogspot.com/2010/05/lucas-is-finally-movie-star.html

    Who knows? If anything, the knucklehead will eat an orange he’s not supposed to and there will be two of him to go around!
    ` But seriously… life has been pretty unpredictable and chaotic with me, though I realize now that that isn’t a bad thing, because things outside of your control can also go in your favor, too (especially when you do your best to help the process)!
    .-= S E E Quine´s last blog ..Lucas is FINALLY A MOVIE STAR! =-.

  7. Bobbi Janay says:

    Hugs, and everything mentioned above is well based.
    .-= Bobbi Janay´s last blog ..Now I want a cookie. =-.

  8. Mel says:

    Oh Angel! I read this post and felt such emotion….you are so honest, dont blame it on PMS – this is real life and we all carry so much weight in our lives. Its good to write about it, to put it out there, look at it and begin to process going forward. I feel deeply for you around all these large situations you are contending with – strongs to you. xxx
    .-= Mel´s last blog ..Eager Anticipation =-.

  9. Jenty says:

    Many ((HUGS))
    .-= Jenty´s last blog ..A new toy is in order =-.

  10. Julia says:

    I am really sorry about your Dad being sick. And I think that it is perfectly natural for you to be feeling the way you are feeling re: Damien meeting his dad and the possible aftermath of said meeting. I don’t know what to say to make it easier but, please know that I am thinking of you and him in this time.
    Having said that, I think that you can achieve anything that you put your mind to. I truly believe that you will be successful within whichever career you decide to carve out for yourself. One day at a time. All the best..x

  11. Louisa says:

    *huggs*
    .-= Louisa´s last blog ..Weighty Issue =-.

  12. Sharon says:

    It’s so sad to read this and not be able to help. Wishing you lots of love and hugs and strength for whatever lies ahead xx
    .-= Sharon´s last blog ..2010 World Cup Diski Dancing =-.

  13. Fairy Girl says:

    Dear, dear Angel. I am so so sorry to hear about your dad – I am so far behind on blog reading – it is actually sad. I so understand your fears with regards to your darling boy. I miss Joshua so much when he visits his dad, I don’t cope during December because he is usually away for 2 weeks. I believe that your dreams will come true i.e. with regards to having your own business someday – you will make it – you are a people person and make awesome cupcakes and I know you will make a success of anything you set your mind at. You are in my thoughts !!!!
    .-= Fairy Girl´s last blog ..Life is so precious “be grateful” =-.

  14. cassey says:

    Many, many hugs. Putting it out there that it’ll all work out for you.
    .-= cassey´s last blog ..Random thoughts =-.

  15. Hugs … lots and lots of Hugs!
    .-= JessicaGiggles´s last blog ..Understanding Women 110 =-.

  16. Tamara says:

    It’s ok to be afraid. It’s part of being a human being. Big higs to you, Angel. So glad you’ve got Glug and awesome family and friends to help you through life’s tricky situations and that you’re a survivor who keeps going even when you’re scared.
    .-= Tamara´s last blog ..How can it be Thursday?!?! =-.

  17. Brigitte says:

    I’m scared too sis…

  18. blackhuff says:

    “hugs” my dear friend. I hope everything works out well.
    .-= blackhuff´s last blog ..This have been an interesting week =-.

  19. Arkwife says:

    Oh no Angel. I would’ve been scared as hell too. Sending lots of hugs and prayers your way!
    xoxoxox
    .-= Arkwife´s last blog ..{insert title here} =-.

  20. Shebee says:

    And yeah, to follow on from TC’s comment – no matter how much they might get on, Damien will always think of you as his primary parent.

    Take it from someone who knows.

    xxxx
    .-= Shebee´s last blog ..WTF is the KIA Experience? =-.

  21. Shebee says:

    I hope you feel happier soon my beautiful and alarmingly honest friend.

    I love you so much and you’re so special.

    xxx
    .-= Shebee´s last blog ..WTF is the KIA Experience? =-.

  22. Bridget says:

    *hugs love* not to add to your list of fears but if D’s dad rejects him it’ll be so hard for him. Be ready for that too. He’ll need you. And my prayers are with your father. Strongs.

  23. TC says:

    he’ll always love you the most 😉

  24. Oh Angel – I can seriously understand your concerns. But possibly if he does not like him or if he refuses to see him, it could be worse. There is no win in this situation for you. Hence, here’s a hug and a nive glass of virtual Merlot or whatever you prefer.
    .-= cat@juggling act´s last blog ..Me- 5 things. =-.

  25. Panni says:

    Just lots of hugs too.

  26. phillygirl says:

    Aw lady. Everyone has day’s like this. Just surround yourself with people who love you and who can lift you up when you’re feeling down. Thinking of you!
    .-= phillygirl´s last blog ..Weekly Round Up =-.

  27. Kerryn says:

    Hugs. No words, just hugs.
    .-= Kerryn´s last blog ..It’s a fight to the death =-.