I am afraid my knucklehead will like his father, and they’ll get on with each other and want to spend time together. I know its a ridiculously selfish feeling and I should banish it… but it keeps coming back. I am afraid that he will like his paternal family, and want to see more of them, taking him away from me. Thats what it boils down to. I never had to deal with the seperation anxiety and stress of weekend parenting, but I may have to deal with some form of it soon.
I am afraid I will never be able to put aside the longing to have a baby with my darling Glugster. Its easier than it used to be, a lot easier, but its still there. The want, the ache, is still there. It gets less every month but its still there. And now its morphed a little into fearing that it will be there forever. Baby showers and friends’ babies do not “upset” me (for lack of a better word), but pregnancy announcements? And people talking about their pregnancies? That still makes me first feel a short-lived stab of nasty spite and jealousy before I feel “normal”. Before I can get excited and happy, I feel “why not me“. Every time.
I am afraid I will lose my daddy darling before I am ready. And I will never be ready. His constant battles with his kidneys and blood pressure and diabetes- which all combined make him very sick and miserable- have made him depressed and despondent. There is some hope, but its not quick and its not easy, and there are no guarantees. His health battles make him and my mommy darling exhausted and worried for their future. Instead of my dad enjoying a retirement filled with pursuing his passion for photography, he can barely lift a camera. Instead of him building on their life together, he and my mom are having to count every penny.
I am afraid that I will miss out on opportunities presented me. I don’t want to have a job for the rest of my life. I want a career, and I know it is possible, but I also know I may well pass on opportunities because I am afraid of taking chances.
I am afraid my knucklehead will never feel the inspiration or motivation to make something of himself. I am afraid he will never see what I see.
I would say I think this little pity party is inspired by PMS, but I think that all the meds and corisone I was on this month brought my period on 10 days EARLY, so now I have no idea where I am in my cycle!
Feel free to click away and leave me to wallow a little.