Longing…

I know, I know, I’ve written before about sucking it up, and how we’re done trying, but it’s not that easy.

I can’t just switch it off.

I can’t just stop longing to have a baby with my Glugster.

 

I’ve written several times about how I feel about it and how it affects me… and yes, I am battling with it less and less, but last week it was back with a vengeance. I have spoken about how I don’t want advice or platitudes. I’m done thinking positive and trying NOT to think about it.

And then last week I was catching up on family members’ feeds on Facebook, and there was a picture of my MIL proudly posing with her three grandchildren.

I burst into tears.

 

My Glugs wants me to tell him when I feel like this because he doesn’t want to wonder what’s bugging me. He doesn’t want to wonder if he’s done something to upset me, or if something has happened with the knucklehead again. It helps me a helluva lot that I can talk to him… but I know it frustrates him when I do speak about it because it’s not something he can fix. And because he made peace with the situation a while before I came along I feel like I’m scratching open old healed wounds.

 

Less and less often now, do I feel instantly resentful when I hear about people falling pregnant. Less and less often now, do I think something spiteful when I see a baby bump in a shopping mall. Less and less often now do I wonder what if, or think about maybe…

But it still happens.

 

And it sucks.

 

And I know I should count my blessings because I already have a child. I know that unlike many women and couples trying to conceive, I am lucky because I have felt the excitement of kicks an hiccups, that I have seen my baby boy on an ultrasound screen, that I have held my tiny newborn son and counted his fingers and toes…

And I know that I am so incredibly blessed in that my darling Glugster cares for my knucklehead as if he were his own. Its so much more than I ever dreamed would be possible.

 

But sometimes even all that makes me wish we’d never even discussed it let alone tried to have a baby of our own.

And now I’ll have some cheese with my whine.

23 thoughts on “Longing…

  1. Like MeeA said you can’t stop your heart wanting what it wants.
    Thank you for your honesty Angel, my mom used to tease me that one of the things I would say as a child was ‘it’s not fair!” and stamp my foot. It feels appropriate now too
    .-= Sally-Jane´s last blog ..Looking back =-.

  2. Oh I so identify!

    I’m infertile and after 2 IVFs (and four years trying) we were finally pregnant with boy/ girl twins.

    They’re now 15 months and you know what? I still get a bit teary when I see preggy bellies especially when the people don’t appreciate the ease with which they fell pregnant.

    Am I horrible?
    .-= Marcia (123 blog)´s last blog ..Mother-in-law drama and family help =-.

  3. Oh after 10 years it still gets me like a kick in the gut. An old friends last seed of hope which I may try and convince mine to Endure is to adopt an embryo. They implant in you and you would get to be pregnant. I just crave sometimes waking up like other women realizing my period is late, this truly is morning sickness and I’m growing OUR child in my womb. Just once!! I wish we could have a chance to meet in RL so we could share a drink n cupcake n commiserate together!! Hugs!!
    .-= Darla´s last blog ..today isnt so promising =-.

  4. No platitudes, no assvice. Just lots of empathy.
    My IVF boy is now 10 and although I have come to terms with having only one,and am so grateful for the experience, I still get blindsided by the longing.
    I can’t look at pictures of big brothers or sisters with their new sibling. James will never have that and that hurts.
    Lots of love

  5. I wish I had the words that would make you feel better.. but I don’t unfortunately..
    Just remember that we all love you and sending you 1 gazillion hugs to help you through this difficult time.. xoxoxox
    .-= Briget´s last blog ..Know I know =-.

  6. The heart wants what the heart wants, my friend. I so wish I could somehow help make it easier for you, but I’m afraid I can only offer you love & support. And four snot-nosed brats to borrow from time to time if you’re keen… ;-P
    .-= MeeA´s last blog ..Oh! By The Way =-.

  7. I can somehow relate to those feelings!! Although admittedly my hubby and I have YET to give u p hope – being in the very first stages of trying to get pregnant with possible lack of results. (currently on phase one – getting me to ovulate…)

    Sympathies nonetheless, and thank you for sharing. It helps to know someone else feels that resentful jealous twinge when seeing preggie bellies!!
    .-= Anneke Weber´s last blog ..AnnekeWeber- Whoohoo!!! Chicken With Cashew nuts &amp Vegetables with noodles for lunch!! chinesefoodcraving =-.

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