Friends Are The Family You Choose

Whilst we have not been inundated with guests and flowers at our home like my brother and parents have- thank goodness- we are blessed with the most incredible friends…

Last Sunday Sheena and her Jon popped round for coffee and a bit of a visit.

On Friday (which was a public holiday) I had several cupcake order collections in the morning and then in the afternoon I went to Beagle Momma’s to celebrate her 30th birthday with cupcakes and champagne! It was a wonderful afternoon. I saw several people I haven’t seen in a while and it was glorious to just make casual conversation and laugh at the children’s antics.

On Saturday morning my friend Sweet Stef popped round! A fabulous few hours were spent catching up on each other’s news before she took herself home again.

And on Saturday evening, ExMi and The Jackson Files arrived with their boys, bringing with them meat, wine, bread rolls and tequila! We spent an exceptionally pleasant evening laughing and talking and eating outside with Jackson and the Kid watching DVDs in the lounge.

I am truly blessed to be surrounded by such wonderful people. They know I don’t want to only talk about our family losing Nathan and what happened and such, and they manage to keep my mind off my sadness without making it seem as though they have better things to do! They know its enough to give me a hug and say they’re thinking of us without making a huge t0-d0 about it.

They have succeeded in giving us back a little bit of normality for a while and for that I am eternally grateful.

Thank you.

I Miss My Super Nathan…

My sweet nephew Nathan, my little dude.

The last few days I have wished I was a poet as I cannot seem to get the words out to adequately express how much I miss you… I will have to rely on other poets to say these things for me.

If tears could build a stairway
and thoughts a memory lane,
I’d walk right up to heaven
and bring you home again.
No Farewell words were spoken,
No time to say good-bye,
You were gone before I knew it
And only God knows why.


My heart’s still active in sadness
And secret tears still flow.
What it meant to lose you
No one can ever know.
But now I know you want us
To mourn for you no more
To remember all the happy times
Life still has much in store.


Since you’ll never be forgotten
I pledge to you today
A hallowed place within my heart
Is where you’ll always stay.

God knows why, with chilling touch,
Death gathers those we love so much,
And what now seems so strange and dim,
Will all be clear, when we meet Him.
I Knew you for a Moment.

Super Nathan…

Even before he was born, he crept into a Nathan-shaped hole in my soul that I didn’t even know was there!

Every single person he ever met was touched by his light, his constant smile, his passion for learning, his determination, his love of music and singing, his love for his family.

And now he’s gone. We were given almost eight years to share his life on this planet. The randomness that is this life dealt a cruel blow to us on Thursday and our sweet Nathan was taken from us in a car accident.

I keep wanting to slip into my version of a normal life and then I remember why things aren’t normal and I go right back to square one.

I swing from heartbroken to mightily pissed off every other hour. Some of the thoughts in my head will never ever be spoken or written down, and some of them I want to scream out loud! I want to be with my family and I want to be alone. I want to share my memories and feelings with people who care about me and I want to tell everyone to leave me alone. I throw myself into my work with the music as loud as it can go because if I stop to think I am awash with sadness again…

Its times like this that social media is both a blessing and a curse. I am torn between so many different feelings… wanting to ask everyone why they’re still smiling and joking and carrying on regardless when someone so precious has been taken from us, wanting to tweet and comment and update like I always have and feeling like I’m cheating when I want to smile, and wanting to respond to and appreciate every single message of condolence that is coming through from every corner of the planet!

I cannot imagine- if this is how I am feeling- what my brother must be going through in trying to live with the loss of his son.

I wish I had phoned him more. I wish we had been able to see him more often.

Its so wrong.

Its so unfair.

Its not right.

Have you told your children you love them? Have you told your spouse? Your siblings? Do you tell them every day? Don’t wait. Please don’t wait. Please don’t allow your ire at others to get in the way of letting your loved ones know they are your loved ones.

I miss you Nathan. We miss you. Your knucklehead cousin misses you. So very much.

Winter Hands…

Have you heard of “winter hands”, or “winter handjies” in Afrikaans? Its something children get a lot because they are prone to not drying their hands properly.

I wash my hands a lot. Some might say I wash them too much… If I can’t remember when I last washed my hands I will wash them again.

Erm… Ja.

I truly LOATHE touching lift buttons, entrance and exit buttons in parking lots, escalator railings, door handles… the list goes on. And if I can I will use something to touch these things so they don’t touch my skin. I am constantly aware of the amount of germs and bacteria that could be on my hands so I work hard- mentally that is- not to let it become an OTT “issue”. I have a tendency to over think anything and everything and if I allow myself to do so, I won’t be able to go more than a few minutes without washing my hands! If I am cooking or baking I wash my hands before I start, and if I have to touch something other than my cooking utensils whilst I am busy- my phone or a door handle or something- I will wash them again before I continue whatever I was busy with. I always try to make sure I dry them properly, and if I am in public I love using a combination of a towel and a blowdryer, but thats not an option at home of course.

Its borderline obsessive.

And I suffer for it in winter.

This year it has already started on the top pinky knuckle of my right hand. There’s a particular set of movements I use when I wash my hands, so specific parts of my hands are subjected to more friction than others- if that makes any sense.

The kak part is that it itches! It itches like a mother trucker and I rub and scratch it in my sleep so much that I wake up with swollen hands! And the itch gets so bad it sometimes wakes me up!

Ugh.

I am applying Germolene, and that helps briefly… but I can’t not wash my hands.

So over and above another little glimpse at my weirdness,  does any one have a solution for me?

Dormicum Rocks!

I had another dentist adventure recently, and thank goodness I still had a couple of Dormicum tablets left over from my last prescription!

If you’ve been reading my blog long enough you may know how deathly afraid of the dentist I am, and after YEARS of stress and tears a specialist mentioned Dormicum! What a revelation! Yes, its extra schlep because someone has to drive me there and take me home, but I don’t spend three days recovering from muscle spasms and a headache anymore!

About a week ago I realised I had a slight toothache in my bottom right jaw, that was infinitely worse if I tried to chew there! I called around to find a dentist that is contracted in- where I don’t have to fork out a fortune in cash first- and thankfully found one right here in my suburb! Fabulous! I arranged to get an early appointment so that my Glugster wouldn’t have to take too much time off work in order to drive me there and take me home again. And unlike before, the day of my appointment did not dawn with me already in a state of terror!

I made sure I had breakfast, and an hour before my appointment I swallowed my Dormicum tablet. Its a small tablet, and because its used as a pre-anaesthetic and can be used as a “date rape drug” if not properly dispensed, its bright blue! We arrived at the dentist and I was already starting to feel a little woozy as I helped my Glugs fill in the forms. I fell asleep in the waiting room so the last thing I remember clearly is the forms… The drug makes you compliant but forgetful, which is why its so dangerous! I follow instructions and can respond to the dentist’s questions when in the chair, and I have a vague memory of getting into the dentist’s chair, but I didn’t even know the dentist was a woman until my hubby informed me later! The next thing I remember is waking up in my bed at home at around 1pm, which fits with the Dormicum knocking me out for about 5 hours.

Apparently I am rather entertaining when I am doped to the gills, but my hubby has never seen me like that ‘coz my sister drove me the last time. My Glugs told me how, when I sat up in the dentist chair after my appointment I remarked on how the wall opposite me was painted pink. “Yes,” says the dentist, “it used to be green.” “Was it green when I got here?” I asked.

LOL!

Unfortunately the dentist declared a root canal necessary and referred me to a contracted out specialist, the same one I saw in the past, but until I have the cash I can’t go and see him. It is immensely frustrating because with or without the cash, I can’t leave the tooth until I am in agony… I am going to see if I can find someone contracted in who can do the procedure but I am not holding my breath.

And don’t get me started on the rip-off that is medical aids and medical expenses. Ugh.