This may be a little TMI for some who read my blog…
I’m a lot better about it than I used to be. I really am.
I do still feel a pang of jealousy when I hear of someone else’s pregnancy, especially if its someone close to me. But I can talk to them about it and get genuinely excited about it without feeling like a complete fraud. I can handle baby showers now and seeing new babies no longer reduces me to tears… Though I can’t hold them or cuddle them without crying yet. And ultrasound pictures still tug at my heart strings.
I still ride the roller coaster that is hope-longing-what if-maybe-please-why me-disappointment every month.
Every fucking month.
But I no longer track my cycle which has helped me avoid the insane desperation that came with ovulation, and then the crazy hoping that this time my period won’t come. At one point I actually worried about the level of urgency I felt when I knew I was ovulating- or about to, the anxiousness to make sure we never missed an opportunity to try and conceive and the intense hope that perhaps this was the one time everything would go right!
Not that my hubby ever complained… And we’ve been very lucky in that our trying to get pregnant didn’t negatively affect our sex life.
A while ago I was chatting to ExMi and the tarot reading she did for me back in August 2008 came up in the conversation. The question I asked for the reading was whether or not my Glugster and I would have a baby together. We had decided that we liked the idea of having our baby but the time it was taking to happen was starting to concern me. The results of the reading were absolutely fascinating and were very positive in terms of babies! I’ve thought about it often, and I’m sure anyone who has or is battling fertility will know that grasping at straws almost becomes a normal state of mind. Then ExMi said she had since thought that perhaps the “babies” in the reading referred to there being lots of them “around” us, not necessarily for us… And that kinda makes sense. In the years since the reading there have been more than 30 babies born to friends, family and acquaintances and there are lots still “on the way”!!
So what this long ass ramble boils down to is that I am no longer in tears every other night. And whilst I do contemplate fertility treatment every few weeks and once in a blue moon wonder about adoption, I do like my life the way it is now. And my selfishness and being able to focus on me and my husband instead of math homework is gradually winning me over.
*Trying To Conceive