What’s On My Mind…?

I’ve had something on my mind a lot the last couple of days.
Today even more so with near-crippling “ovulation” pain on my left side and Mothers Day on Sunday.

I can usually get things out of my head by blogging them, so here goes.

When my knucklehead was born, I was counting his fingers and toes and marveling at the perfection of my beautiful baby boy with his mop of black hair, and I had a sudden epiphany – as clear as if someone had come up and whispered in my ear – that I would not have any more children.

At that point I was already a single mom, having split from my son’s biological father several months before and I had NO intention of getting involved with anyone or having any more children… But that revelation stuck with me.
In the years before I met my darling husband, my Glugster, I had four relationships – two of which I thought were “serious”. My first boyfriend was a nice guy, but he was too immature for me. My first serious relationship was with a live-in boyfriend who had absolutely NO interest in marriage or children, and it ended very badly. The second “serious” relationship was with a man who had already had a vasectomy. The last relationship was more a friendship-with-a-hectic-crush and neither of us were in a space to pursue a real relationship, but he too had had a vasectomy.

And then I met my sweetheart. My darling Glugs. My best friend. A man who loved me so much he had to marry me. For the first time in my life I actually wanted to have a baby! I wanted to have a baby with my husband, my other half. He too, would love to have a child of his own, but between the two of us we have a whole bundle of issues that mean we can’t.

Is that strange or what?

I’m no longer a gibbering mess when someone close to me tells me they’re having a baby. I’m no longer a complete wreck when I see ultrasound pictures or get a baby shower invite.
But it still tugs at my heart strings, and it takes a while for me to talk about it… And every now and then it hits me hard and I feel an ache that I find baffling and annoying.
My Glugster says it will never completely go away… I wish it would.

3 thoughts on “What’s On My Mind…?

  1. I guess it is like grief. The loss of a dream, hope and experience.
    Time may make it better but never totally takes it away.

  2. I sorta know how you feel. I would have LOVED to have had another baby. I would have leapt at the chance, I loved being pregnant and having my boy and experiencing all that. But I know now that it won’t happen anymore, and also I dont want it to anymore. I don’t think my body would cope with it either! LOL But that whisper of longing to have had just one more will always be there. I agree with your hubby. It won’t ever go away completely. <3 <3

Comments are closed.