Daddy Darling…

Today is fathers day, and as soon as I think about it I start crying.

20160605_132304

My daddy darling has always been my hero.
When I got my drivers license, the first thing my dad taught me to do was change a tyre, and that has served me well a few times. If any of us got stuck somewhere, my dad would come and get us at the drop of a hat. When we lived at home, and went gallivanting, my dad would stay awake until we got home and he was sure we were safe. My dad went to school meetings with me when I was a single mom with an ADHD son and couldn’t face another judgmental panel of teachers.
I had a couple of boyfriends, and one of them described my dad as “a big oke with a gun” as my dad was wearing his big revolver when they first met. My dad loved torturing our suitors, who had to come to the house and ask my dad’s permission to take us out. My dad would sit in his chair, all big and intimidating, then going down the passage to his room and laughing his head off at the boy’s sweating in silence while trying to pluck up the courage to speak to him.
And now he looks small and frail… :'(

what-is-dementia

My daddy darling is being stolen from us. Its a little at a time, but its happening really fast. 🙁
Special days – Christmas, birthdays, Fathers Day, Mothers Day, Easter – were big occasions for my dad, and he loved celebrating them with all of us. We didn’t make plans to spend Fathers Day together this year, as it seems having too many visitors and people in and out in a day stresses my dad too much. :'(
I don’t know if he even knows its Fathers Day today.
He’s confused and fearful and sad. My mommy darling can’t be out of his sight for more than a minute without him panicking. He’s not sleeping, restless and wandering around the house. He can’t use the TV remote anymore. He keeps asking my mom when they’re going home.

I wish Dementia was a person so I could smack it upside the head and tell it to fuck off.
I’m angry and frustrated.
I don’t think I have never felt so helpless in my life.

A whilst part of me doesn’t want to talk about it, another part of me wants to talk to everyone about it.
And every time I think about what is happening to my dad, I start crying. I feel like I am already mourning my dad, but he’s still here, and it is so confusing.

IMG_20160531_234626

I see a rack full of Asterix comics in a bookshop and I start crying. I see a Clint Eastwood movie or a war movie on the TV guide and I start crying. I get excited about feeding the birds in my garden – a love of bird watching in instilled by my dad, and I know he won’t remember us speaking about it.
I have caught myself speaking of my dad in the past tense already, but he’s still here…

About Angel

Wife, mom, cake artist, Guide Dog puppy raiser, ADHD champion, wedding planner, and tattooed cat slave.

Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to Daddy Darling…

  1. catjuggles says:

    I am so very sorry Angel. It’s so very tough. My gran had it – it is a horrid and sad and frustrating.
    catjuggles recently posted…For a rest and a bit…My Profile

  2. deborah says:

    Big hugs and stay strong. Lost my fil who had dementia and Parkinsons. The road can be a long and difficult one the only advise I can say is just being there helps even the times when he looks at you blankly and as much as you don’t want to talk about things sometimes it does help just to get it all out there

  3. Cassey says:

    All of the beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeg hugs.
    Cassey recently posted…Odds and endsMy Profile

  4. Candy says:

    My sis… It’s called the double death disease because we literally lose him twice. We reminded him a few times that it was Father’s Day, he kept wishing us all for Mother’s Day. He remembered it was some occasion at times during the day because Dani and Dean were here. We have a difficult journey ahead of us, but we are a close strong family and we will be there for each other every heart breaking step of the way. I’m sorry my sis….

  5. Jeanette says:

    I’m so sorry Angel 🙁
    My grandmother had this for years, and it was awful, especially for my mom.

  6. Sass says:

    I’m so sorry Angel. My heart breaks for you – and for him and the rest of your family who are affected. Huge hugs.