I’ve had something on my mind a lot the last couple of days.
Today even more so with near-crippling “ovulation” pain on my left side and Mothers Day on Sunday.
I can usually get things out of my head by blogging them, so here goes.
When my knucklehead was born, I was counting his fingers and toes and marveling at the perfection of my beautiful baby boy with his mop of black hair, and I had a sudden epiphany – as clear as if someone had come up and whispered in my ear – that I would not have any more children.
At that point I was already a single mom, having split from my son’s biological father several months before and I had NO intention of getting involved with anyone or having any more children… But that revelation stuck with me.
In the years before I met my darling husband, my Glugster, I had four relationships – two of which I thought were “serious”. My first boyfriend was a nice guy, but he was too immature for me. My first serious relationship was with a live-in boyfriend who had absolutely NO interest in marriage or children, and it ended very badly. The second “serious” relationship was with a man who had already had a vasectomy. The last relationship was more a friendship-with-a-hectic-crush and neither of us were in a space to pursue a real relationship, but he too had had a vasectomy.
And then I met my sweetheart. My darling Glugs. My best friend. A man who loved me so much he had to marry me. For the first time in my life I actually wanted to have a baby! I wanted to have a baby with my husband, my other half. He too, would love to have a child of his own, but between the two of us we have a whole bundle of issues that mean we can’t.
Is that strange or what?
I’m no longer a gibbering mess when someone close to me tells me they’re having a baby. I’m no longer a complete wreck when I see ultrasound pictures or get a baby shower invite.
But it still tugs at my heart strings, and it takes a while for me to talk about it… And every now and then it hits me hard and I feel an ache that I find baffling and annoying.
My Glugster says it will never completely go away… I wish it would.
Our family welcomed a new member last week!
My brother’s new baby, E, was born on January 10th 2013. He weighed 2.86kg and he is just so beautiful and so perfect. We went to meet him the day after he was born and we were all quite smitten.
its a dreadful picture because I forgot to check my settings before attempting a photo in the dark ward
It was a bit of an up and down day though… We were so happy and excited to be able to welcome baby E into our lives and our hearts, but we still hurt so much from the loss of E’s big brother, Nathan. And it is so heart sore that E will never know him.
Baby E does have a really sweet big brother who is very proud of his new title! Almost 6 year old J is so cute and so smart, and my Glugster and I are his godparents!
He visited us this weekend past without his mommy for the first time and we had so much fun! We baked cupcakes, the boys swam, he played with the puppy, he played PS2 with his cousin the knucklehead, and he got to know the knucklehead’s beardie, Spike.
He loved the baking part- cracking eggs like a pro- but the decorating isn’t the best part for him. He’s a right little fish too- he’ll swim all day if you let him! And he thinks his big cousin D is just awesome!
We’re really glad he’s happy to spend time with us without his mommy because we love having him around, and there’s a lot we want to do like take him to Sci-Bono (at the end of the month) and the zoo! And of course spending time with him gives his mommy a break and focuses some attention on him which is important when there’s a new baby competing for the spotlight and mommy’s time at home.
This may be a little TMI for some who read my blog…
I’m a lot better about it than I used to be. I really am.
I do still feel a pang of jealousy when I hear of someone else’s pregnancy, especially if its someone close to me. But I can talk to them about it and get genuinely excited about it without feeling like a complete fraud. I can handle baby showers now and seeing new babies no longer reduces me to tears… Though I can’t hold them or cuddle them without crying yet. And ultrasound pictures still tug at my heart strings.
I still ride the roller coaster that is hope-longing-what if-maybe-please-why me-disappointment every month.
Every fucking month.
But I no longer track my cycle which has helped me avoid the insane desperation that came with ovulation, and then the crazy hoping that this time my period won’t come. At one point I actually worried about the level of urgency I felt when I knew I was ovulating- or about to, the anxiousness to make sure we never missed an opportunity to try and conceive and the intense hope that perhaps this was the one time everything would go right!
Not that my hubby ever complained… And we’ve been very lucky in that our trying to get pregnant didn’t negatively affect our sex life.
A while ago I was chatting to ExMi and the tarot reading she did for me back in August 2008 came up in the conversation. The question I asked for the reading was whether or not my Glugster and I would have a baby together. We had decided that we liked the idea of having our baby but the time it was taking to happen was starting to concern me. The results of the reading were absolutely fascinating and were very positive in terms of babies! I’ve thought about it often, and I’m sure anyone who has or is battling fertility will know that grasping at straws almost becomes a normal state of mind. Then ExMi said she had since thought that perhaps the “babies” in the reading referred to there being lots of them “around” us, not necessarily for us… And that kinda makes sense. In the years since the reading there have been more than 30 babies born to friends, family and acquaintances and there are lots still “on the way”!!
So what this long ass ramble boils down to is that I am no longer in tears every other night. And whilst I do contemplate fertility treatment every few weeks and once in a blue moon wonder about adoption, I do like my life the way it is now. And my selfishness and being able to focus on me and my husband instead of math homework is gradually winning me over.
*Trying To Conceive
Yup. You guessed it. I’m having a whine about that again. Feel free to click away.
I remember baby blues… Mine set in when my darling knucklehead was three days old and the doctor laughed at my tears and told me it was normal. I wish someone had warned me.
I’m battling baby blues again. A different kind of baby blues. I am once again surrounded by baby bumps.
I find myself wondering “what if?” all over again…
Did you know that secondary infertility is very common? That having one child doesn’t mean you won’t battle to have another? Did you know that as you get older it gets harder to conceive? I adore my knucklehead. He is my son and my heir. Having my boy doesn’t mean my longing to give my Glugster a baby is any less painful though.
My darling Glugs and I know we won’t be having a child of our own. We’ve been through the tests and the appointments and the examinations and we know that our chances of conceiving are slim to none even with medical intervention. We both have physical issues that inhibit us from conceiving naturally (apart from my age) and we decided that we did not want to go through the expense, the stress and the heartache of fertility treatments when our chances were so low.
Even so, I get heart sore about it. I get angry at myself when I feel bitter. I found this poem…
I sit here and wonder
Is it ever to be?
Will I get to display
The mother in me?
Wonder in time
How the story will end,
Will they just be for others-
The showers I attend.
When’s it my turn
I ask God each day,
The only answer I get
Is, “Not today.”
I ask only to know
What my future might be,
To plan and prepare
God, please tell me.
I just need to know
How long to be strong,
For sometimes I question
my strength to go on.
I sit here and wonder
Is it ever to be?
Will I get to display
The mother in me?
I am getting better at coping with it. My Glugster is my rock.
I know most of you have seen these before, but I was looking through some of my favourite photos of my knucklehead again and I thought you might like to see them too.
Its odd that even though my boy still lives at home, it feels to me that we have reached the end of an era… Apart from him celebrating his 21st birthday nothing else has changed.