Ugh.

JUST LOOK AT ME!

FFS!

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It’s fucking disgusting.
I see an old, fat lady. An old, fat, grey-haired woman. And I hate it.
But I’ll stuff my face with carbs tonight, so help me.

You might say my job makes it hard to lose weight, baking for a living. But I don’t even eat that much of my baking. I’d rather eat cookies than cake or cupcakes, and whilst I LOVE ganache, I only make it occasionally.

Years ago, when my son was in primary school, my sister gave me her gym card ‘coz we looked so much alike. She wasn’t using it so I did (I know! I know!), several times a week. The knucklehead would swim or do the toning circuit, and I’d do the treadmills and stuff. We were there early as I finished work at 2pm, so we had our pick of the equipment.
Then I got my own gym membership. I never went.
Biggest waste of money EVER.
Twice.

My Glugster and I once joined a programme where they cook your meals for you beforehand, and you collect the frozen meals with a meal plan for snacks and stuff, and it was going really well until I found fly eggs in my one meal.
Blegh.

We saw a dietitian too, once a month for almost 18 months. She worked out a really great plan for each of us, including stuff we like to eat, and I lost 9kg in the first couple of months. Then I gained it back. Working out what to cook and preparing it was just too much schlep. KFC or pasta is far easier.
Eventually we agreed that we were wasting our medical aid seeing her since we weren’t making any progress. She even offered to let me pop in and weigh myself on her scale once a week, at no charge!
Uuuh huh.

I joined Weigh-Less once too. I paid my fees for a year, and I went to the weigh-ins and followed the diet… for all of 3 months.
Sigh.

If my Glugster doesn’t suggest a walk around the block, it won’t happen.

This is me in December 2007 (the sour expression is ‘coz I wasn’t expecting the picture to be taken). This was fifteen months after I had my hiatus hernia repair operation, which got rid of my constant heartburn but also helped me lose weight as I couldn’t eat more than a teacup full of food in a sitting.

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My stomach is now well and truly stretched again. They had to use some of it to fix my hernia in 2006, so even if I wanted to, I can’t go and have my stomach stapled ‘coz there isn’t enough of it.

Meds would work for me, but doctors and dietitians don’t prescribe the stuff that really works.

I don’t drink enough water. I know this. My fingertips are wrinkled and I wake up with a headache, but I still don’t do anything about it.

I’m teetering on the brink of diabetes, hence my bubble-on-toothpicks appearance, but that doesn’t stop me eating either.

Go me.

Back To The Dietitian…

We went back this morning, and almost 14 months after we first visited her I am down a whole 2,5kg.

Yes, you read that right.

She went as far as to agree with my Glugster, that seeing her once a month is a waste of our time and money if we don’t take the time and effort to follow her plans and advice.

So. Where to now.

She’s suggested we follow a far stricter plan than we’ve tried so far- high protein, low carb- which will ensure a faster (and more motivational) weight loss, and she’ll change the plan every month to keep us (me) interested. She has also asked my Glugster to be stricter with ensuring we walk more and eat better since he doesn’t have a problem with self control… he just can’t say no to me!
🙂
I have now also made a plan to go on Monday to retest my thyroid levels because a screwy thyroid produces the same issues as depression. And until I get my thyroid sorted I won’t know if my anti-antidepressants are even working! I was on the brink of tears in her office and she asked if I was still on the ADs…
I’m also going to go back to see her once a week for a weigh in, to keep a check on myself.
She really is a wonderful dietitian. She doesn’t butter us up and she’s trying every trick in her book to get – and keep – us on the right track.

I am also thinking I need to get my ADHD properly diagnosed and treated…

Lifestyle Change You Say…?

Um… Ja.

We kinda fell off the wagon in the last couple of months… fell HARD.

Since we started trying to change the way we eat – a year ago in March (a change we both wanted to make) – I managed to lose a whole 9kg, and in the last couple of months I have regained more than half of them.
My Glugster did far better than I did, but we’ve lost the plot recently.

And we can both feel it. In our backs, in our knees, energy levels… Even my gums have started bleeding at night again. I can feel my tummy wobbling when I walk. My bras don’t fit anymore. I have so few clothing that actually fits me it pisses me off just to think about going anywhere because I have nothing to wear.

We’re supposed to go back to our dietitian again on Thursday morning, after we cancelled last month because I knew what her scale was going to say. I am THIS close to cancelling the appointment again because its embarrassing. How can a grown woman have so little self control.

We KNOW what we’re supposed to be doing.
We KNOW how to do what we’re supposed to be doing.
We just don’t.

And I am so easy to convince to cheat… I see an ad on TV for Mickey D’s and I want it. The next ad is for chips and I want them. A billboard for KFC? I’m wondering where the nearest one is.

Ugh.

As I Sit Here…

…eating instant noodles out of the packet, raw- because I was craving something salty- I marvel yet again at my lack of self control when it comes to food.
I find food in my hand without knowing how it got there.
I find myself in a KFC drive-thru as if my car has a mind of its own.
I mean, you know you have a problem when you eat things you’re not supposed to eat, and then hide the evidence of said eating from your other half, right?

🙁

On Monday we were back at the dietitian for our monthly appointment, and because we are car-less again we had to walk there, and back – a 7,2km trip…
It was a lot longer than I would have liked to do but it had to be done, and we did pretty well. In fact we’ve impressed ourselves with the walks we’ve been able to do without feeling like we’re going to keel over! On Saturday AND Sunday we walked a 4,5km route, with Riddick in tow, and we felt fine! And we’re enjoying it. The evenings are wonderfully cool so I can actually walk without sweating like a racehorse, and we talk while we walk which is really cool. And I never thought I would do it but I actually downloaded an app that tracks your exercise routine!

And then we were at the dietitian’s office, after what I thought had been a pretty good month (even with a few special occasions that always lead to cheating) and I had lost a total of 400g.

FOUR HUNDRED FORKING GRAMS!!!!

I was instantly fed up. I am surprised I managed not to burst into tears. I was pissed off with myself and I was annoyed that all we had done had come to practically nought.
Granted, her scale said I had lost fat and gained muscle, but it still felt like I’d achieved nothing.
Again.

We’ve been doing this now for almost 8 months and I was “planning” to have lost at least 16kg by now. I haven’t yet managed to lose 10kg.
It feels pathetic. 
And its very disheartening.

The healthier eating doesn’t require much thinking anymore- we just do it. And thanks to my baking, I have a pretty good “eye” so I don’t have to haul out the measuring cups to serve our meals anymore. We even have dinners of only veggies and protein- and whilst I have always loved my veggies I never thought my Glugster would actually enjoy eating like that too. I pack a lunchbox for my hubby every day, and some days I remember to do one for me too…

And we both know what we need to do. We’re walking more, we’re watching what we eat- I’m just not watching what I eat enough.
My darling Glugster- and the dietitian- are happy with our progress, and they’re happy that we’re not yo-yo-ing up and down every month, I just need it to be faster.

🙁

Our Lifestyle Change, 29 Weeks In

29 weeks.

Or 205 days.

Or 4920 hours. Whichever sounds less to you. They have all started sounding like an age to me when I think about how long we’ve been on this weight-loss-lifestyle-change-dieting thing we’ve undertaken.

I have lost about 9kg in that time. Thats about 45g a day, or about 300g a week. I was hoping for 500g a week when we set out, and I can achieve that with more exercise and not cheating as often as I do…
But I have the self-control of a gerbil.
And we are SO not gym people… Who knows – we may become gym people when we look and feel better.

Today the dietitian said we need to up the ante on our exercise. We are doing more than we did when we started, but we’re not doing more as we progress, and we need to in order to get off the plateau we’re on now. She said, and I quote, “You need to do enough to make you sweat” and I burst out laughing.
If you know me well enough you’ll know that perspiration is not something I battle with! Its something I have always loathed about myself, its why I hate going to the gym and its why I got married in winter. The slightest exertion has me sweating like a racehorse and I hate it. When I am working in my kitchen I wear a bandanna on my head – not only to keep my hair out of my face and out of my baking, but because I perspire for nothing. Once when I was in nursery school, I got into trouble for sticking my head under the garden tap!
I told the dietitian that if I stop exercising because I have started perspiring I won’t even get out of my driveway!
Its no wonder I love water as much as I do, I am almost always dehydrated! Drinking 3L a day is easy for me!

But I digress. We’re going to try and do more. The dogs certainly won’t mind! 😀

We’re taking “before” pictures once a month or so, for ourselves to see, and admittedly it takes looking at each other’s pictures to point out that there is actually a difference. And I might publish a before-and-after picture once we’re where we want to be… But that is still about 20kg away for me and about 50kg away for my Glugs…

And as my darling Glugster keeps reminding me, it may be slower than we wanted but its still in the right direction!
We’re not yo-yoing, we’re losing.

Consistently.

So we will persevere.