i didn’t sleep last night, my back is killing me – no matter how i sit or stand, it hurts. when i stress, my back gets sore… now thats driving me mad too. my mind hasn’t stopped – i am taking a short break from work to type this – to get it off my chest – so to speak. i don’t want to stop working because then at least my brain is occupied with other things. i don’t want to see anyone because the few people who know what has happened treat me differently now and want to talk aout it and i don’t want to talk about it yet. i want to ask my housechurch to pray for me and damien but i don’t want to tell them why. i don’t want to even go to housechurch but i do want to go because i need it and i will probably feel better… my mind keeps harping on the consequences. what about his future career? will he ever be able to leave the country? will he ever be able to get the job he wants? will this be with him forever or only until he’s 21? what about high school, and his current school? do i need to tell them – will his high school still accept him if i tell them he has a record? will his current school let him stay? if i tell friends and or family what happened and whats going on – will they ever be able to look for something thats missing without wondering when last damien was in their house? what if the social worker goes to the complete extreme and decides i’m not good enough for my precious child – i don’t even want to finish that thought. i don’t want social workers watching me period! what if damien gets so worried about all of this that he runs away – i don’t know why that one keeps coming back, i am completely paranoid about where he is lately. i think i a hundrede times last night to make sure he was still in his bed.
i really hope tomorrow is quick and “painless”. i don’t know whats going to happen when we get there – or how they do this…
can’t think about it anymore right now…