A Friend In Need

Okay Blogland… someone I love VERY dearly has asked me to please post this- an email she sent to me- and ask for all of you to give her some advice. She’s desperate for answers and I told her I’d think about it for a while before giving her my own answer… so its time once again for you all to step up to the plate and dispense the wisdom you have all accumulated! Be gentle- she’s REALLY been through the mill!

I need some advice.

I don’t think D is of any plan to marry me soon, and not to mention start a family (which is a huge dream of mine). I don’t know if I should carry on with a relationship for who knows how long before I realise that my wants and needs wont be satisfied, and then we break up, and I am already like thirty or something, and I have to start over, and then I don’t have a family ever. I want to get married. And I want children of my own. D just doesn’t seem to have the same wants as I do, and is willing to just take it as it comes. I did that before, for seven years, and once I was married, I realised that was not what I wanted and that I did not want kids with him, and I had to start my whole life over… from scratch. I am so scared… I don’t want to waste seven years, only to end up picking up pieces again.

Should I just accept that D is the man I love, and that there is a possibility that we will get married, and accept that I might never have the opportunity to have children? Or should I get out now, and start over now, and maybe give myself a chance of loving someone again, and starting a family of my own… what man really wants that? No one. I will loose the man I adore, who gives me so much happiness in so many other ways, and take a risk of never finding what we have again with anyone else – children or none.

This is weighing heavy on my heart, and I pray for answers, but God seems to be taking his time in answering me, for his own good reason I guess.

Love you.

10 thoughts on “A Friend In Need

  1. You have been burned and you need to know that there are people you can go to for the support you need.

    no one can tell you what to do and it seems that you already know deep inside what your answer is. You are looking for reasurance and you don’t know that if what you do is going to work out. Which ever path you choose will affect you entire being and existance and this you have to realize.

    “Life goes on” – you’ve heard that, but life goes on to damn fast.

    you have been through a tough 20 years and you have alot of people to go with in your three years to 30.

    Can you live with the man, not the question

    Can you live without the man?

    How much of the time can you be you and does he support your views and suggestions or is he outocratic.

    there are alot of questions you can ask you self.

    still no one can give you advice on this, you’ve been through alot and you are a tough person.

    Which ever leap you take do it totaly and confidently and dont look back.

    Finaly —–

    Where is happiness taking you? and at what cost?

    Spot ya Male

  2. thankyou all you sweet bloggers- i’m touched that you all thought so hard about her dilemma!!
    i have forwarded all your comments to her via email, and i’m going to ask if i can post an update when she decides what to do.

  3. Within Without has a lot of good thought provoking statements … worth taking!

    My recommendation, as I have been there, leave. Time is ticking & the longer you stay with this wonderful man, the less time you have to find another really great guy who want to have a family like you do.

    Staying with a man who does not want what you want can leave a very sad empty feelings in your relationship & may cause a rifts later ~ no matter how great he is.

    Leave. Tell him now & follow your dreams!
    I say this in all good faith. ; )

    Best of luck & I hope you find what you are looking for,
    The Tart
    ; )

  4. I tend to agree with most of what within without says. My question to you is straight out: Have you talked to him? Have you directly asked him how he feels? About you. About children. About marriage. If you haven’t had these honest and direct conversations with him…then I don’t think you’re being fair to either of you. Communication and clarity are of utmost importance right now. Honest and direct two-way communication. And clarity of purpose and desire – on both sides, both within and without (sorry-but pun intended!). I do get that time is quickly becoming an issue. It is precisely because of this that communication and clarity is of utmost importance – now. And within without is right: If he can’t be clear or honest with you, if he dodges or avoids, if he hems or haws (or worse – if you do these things) – then you do have your answer, don’t you? Then it’s just a matter of making a choice – and sticking to it.

  5. Seems all the perspectives so far, I’m guessing, are female. Here’s mine.

    You don’t say how old you are. How close are you to 40, the safe max age for child-bearing?

    That’s a consideration, right?

    Your words don’t say he has REJECTED marrying and having children. You say it SEEMS he doesn’t want that. What has he said and what hasn’t he said? And what have you said to communicate to him how important this is to you?

    If you’re dithering, that allows him to dither. You say you love him in so many ways…maybe he loves you the same way and if you’d be more clear or demanding, and if you’ve been together for some time, the two wishes you have are perfectly normal and if he feels the same way you do, he should honour you and honour them and COMMIT to you and to those things.

    If he won’t or if he doesn’t, when push comes to shove, then you have your answer, don’t you? Then you have the choice: give up what you say you most want — marriage and kids — for him under those conditions, or deciding those two things are more important to you.

    Be honest with yourself, then be honest with him. He needs to know exactly what you want, he can’t read your mind. And once you tell him what’s on your mind, he’ll be forced to make his own choice.

    But if in fact he has simply said he doesn’t want kids or to get married, ask yourself why.

    He is unsettled, if that’s true. And if he’s unsettled, then what kind of guy is he for a situation that needs two people who are very settled and committed to that idea?

    If you’re not too close to 40, time is not the enemy you think it is. You can love somebody else, and somebody else can love you — and want to commit to the things you want most to have.

  6. I’ve got no advice, I am in an almost identical situation! And I don’t even have answers for me. But my friends say “Dump him and start over.”

  7. I have been thinking of this all the time…. and I just want you to know that I truly am praying for you. You are precious and special but when a relationship gets to a point where you both want such vastly different things – what do you truly have left? It is really sad that you are in this place right now – and you are constantly in my thoughts…

  8. This really is a tough one. I don’t think the problem here is how you feel. You really do seem to love this man dearly and want to spend the rest of your life with him and create a family with him… however, I think the question here is ‘does he feel the same way?’ From the letter it seems that he might not. As much as you feel for him you should never settle for anything less from your partner. He needs to decide what he wants with you and if the two are not compatible… well, you’ll have to cross that bridge when you come to it.
    Be strong.

  9. First of all let me say that NO MAN has any right to call a woman his outside of marriage. If it comes to the point where you are expecting a proposal and it doesn’t happen then yes, you should get out. Nothing is impossible with God – even starting over. I do realise this is hard to do – specially when you love him so much but the decision is yours to make ultimately, and I truly believe that if you wait on God – really wait on Him you will hear His voice. Don’t run away cause you’re afraid of what His answer might be, He will never lead you into harm, and you may have to go through some things that are hurtful and painful – but He will lead you through it. Sometimes it is simply a case of take His hand, close your eyes tightly and let Him lead you through.
    I will be praying for you, for a decision, clarity, strength and happiness.

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