Let’s get this out of the way first shall we?
I decided a long loooong time ago that I would not have any more children; in fact, I think the knucklehead was only a few days old when I felt in my heart that he would be my one and only. When I started dating again, I started considering the possibility of another baby, and then decided that if I wasn’t married by the time I was 30 years old, I would definitely not have any more children.
Then when one disastrous relationship followed another, even before I turned 30, I decided once and for all that having more children was out of the question for me. Damien would be my focus. I also decided not to get involved again, for my sake and for Damien’s. And I made peace with it. I started planning the things I wanted to do when the knucklehead was finished with school and my time and my money would be my own again. I got used to being on my own, just Damien and I. Coming and going as we pleased and spending my time and money the way I wanted to, not having to consult anyone when I made decisions.
And then, almost 7 years later, I was swept off my feet and turned into a mushy, gushing, girly, love-struck mess!
And I very nearly bailed on the whole thing because it was too big a change for me to make after so many years and because I didn’t want to get hurt, but he wouldn’t let me run away. He wouldn’t let me curl up and hide at home alone (which I did when I got depressed); he insisted that I hide in his arms if I needed to.
And here we are, a little over a year later and happier than I have ever been in my life.
And so my Glugster and I started talking last year about babies, and having one of our own… and anyone who’s been peeking into Angel’s Mind for a long time will know that this is a huge step for me.
My Glugs knew this too, having read my blog for a while. And having read my blog was a huge bonus in our relationship because for the years before, dating someone meant having to educate them about Damien’s ADHD and this is not a fun exercise let me tell you.
But that’s a long story, maybe for another post.
My sweet Glugster made peace a long time ago with not having children of his own. He’s divorced, and while he was married they tried for a baby, and when nothing happened they started the testing and such that most couples undertake when they do not conceive. They found during this lengthy and costly process that while my sweet Glugs has perfectly normal and healthy swimmers- there are very few of them. So whilst a “normal” (for lack of a better word) healthy couple has an average of a 20% chance of falling pregnant, our odds are considerably lower…
However, we are not allowing this to get us down. We made the decision that since I am already 35 and this could be a lengthy “process” that we are not going to wait until after we’re married to try for a baby of our own, and we are also not going to go the route of treatments and IVF and such if we do not conceive. Neither of us wants the stress involved with treatments- especially as he’s already been through it- so we’re simply not using any kind of birth control and seeing what happens.
Lemme tell you bunnies, falling pregnant at 16 certainly changes the way one views pregnancy! What I realised in the last few months was that I felt guilty about actually planning to fall pregnant! This was one of the biggest reasons I didn’t want to tell anyone what we were up to, over and above having people asking if we’re pregnant yet. I wanted to plan a baby with my Glugster- but I battled to speak about it to other people. But at the same time, I didn’t want people to think I had fallen pregnant by accident- again!
And having a partner with whom to discuss the possibilities and implications of having a baby is a whole ‘nother kettle of bananas for me! Strangely, my feelings about myself falling pregnant never affected how I feel when friends and family find themselves in the family way- I am always excited about it and very keen to shop for the pending arrival! But me falling pregnant has always been accompanied by feelings of guilt and shame.
And then suddenly being surrounded by pregnant friends and bloggers and new babies, I wanted to share… but I couldn’t get myself to say it out loud to anyone except my Glugster… okay, there is one (or maybe two) special person (or people) who I have been using as a sounding board (there may have been a few people used as boards) while I wrapped my head around this whole thing. I’m not going to say who this was, and I swore them to secrecy because I didn’t want to be quizzed on whether or not we’re pregnant yet… since this simply adds to the stress you see. But at the same time, we didn’t want to announce a pregnancy and have people thinking it was an accident- albeit a happy one.
And this is not simply about having a baby because I love my Glugster so much, or trying to strengthen our relationship- its plenty strong enough, and if anything a new baby makes things wobbly rather than strong!
Do you want to know what scares me the most about falling pregnant? Having to go without my allergy meds…!
So we recently informed our respective siblings that we want to try and have a baby this year, though we have yet to inform our respective parents (it was Tay who got me thinking about telling the parentals what we were up to). This will be happening shortly though. I can already see myself blushing when I talk to them!
But I have made progress, and I even mentioned it to the bloggers we met in CT on our holiday. And now we have told most of our families too, so we are moving forward.
Now we just wait and see!