Okay, maybe not.
But I sure as shit feel like one.

I think this is the longest I’ve gone between posts since I can’t remember when. I’ve actually been working on several posts, to let you all know I’m here. And alive.
And I am really happy. White-picket-fence-baking-cupcakes-permanent-toothy-slightly-lopsided-grin kinda happy.
My sweet Glugster and I are still trying to have a baby, and we’re both SO looking forward to a weekend away- with just the two of us, for the first time in our relationship- and the timing is good for our TTC project too, so everything is good…

And then today, my darling knucklehead, threw a spanner in the works again.

And this is where I start feeling like a fraud all over again.

Many times in my life, I have been told I am an inspiration as a single mother. I have been asked for advice and confided in.
My friends and family have often told me they are impressed and proud of me for doing what I’ve done. I’ve had the knucklehead’s teachers compliment me on how well I know my child, and comment on how involved I am in his schooling and such.
And I had an actual qualified head shrinker tell me I haven’t screwed him up completely.
I honestly don’t see that I’ve “done” anything. I have raised the knucklehead alone, yes, but I also raised him with a LOT of support and help and love from my parents and siblings.
I did what I thought a mom was supposed to do.
And I fell short in SO many areas too… I didn’t push him hard enough to excel and achieve. I wasn’t strict enough. I spoilt him. I was inconsistent with my discipline. I didn’t spend enough quality time with him. I sometimes think I should have made some kind of effort to maintain a relationship with his biological father. I screamed. I swore.
And I could go on.
Ahem…
I also had a couple of romantic relationships⁺ whilst the knucklehead was a youngster- but I was very leery of letting anyone in so to speak, or allowing the dudes to assist in parenting my son in any way, so the relationships didn’t go very well.
I swore off men completely until I met my darling Glugster.

Those are a few reasons why I feel like a charlatan when people compliment me- as much as I LOVE when they compliment my darling son’s behaviour or demeanour.

There are more reasons…

My knucklehead just cannot get through school. MOST of his hassles have to do with his AD/HD, but a part of it also is- I feel- that I do not and have not motivated him enough to revise his work and to try and get good marks. I don’t expect A’s, but I do expect at least a pass…
He’s smoked cigarettes since he was 10 or so.
I watched him get fingerprinted when he was arrested for shoplifting, and theft has been a problem since nursery school.
He’s a firebug, and we’ve had to douse a few small blazes because of his fascination with flames.
And our current issue is marijuana. Mary-Jane. Ganja. Grass. THC. He buys it, smokes it, and shares it with his friends. He takes it to school too, which is when I get called.

And THOSE phone calls are the bane of my life. They’re the ones with the voice on the other end, afraid to tell me too much over the phone- not only because they’re not wanting to say too much but also because they are so often the receiver of the parents’ misdirected ire in these matters… and their hesitance to talk to me only increases my heart rate.
I have shed countless tears over my son’s issues at school and other hurdles in our life.
I’ve spent sleepless nights and smoked WAAAY too many cigarettes.

And today I got another one of those phone calls.
The knucklehead, who is being tested every two weeks- and tested positive again after his birthday party- got caught with grass at school again today. Despite his promises to the contrary, he’s still smoking it.
I had to go to the school again.
Which meant taking leave again.
My bosses know my work and like my work- but they do not have endless patience- and at this rate I won’t have any leave left for December!

So today some major decisions were made.
He’s going to start taking Wellbutrin– which is an antidepressant and often helps AD/HDers who have substance issues. We’re hoping this will be enough to get him to stop smoking it, because the next step will have to be rehab… which I really don’t want to do.
He’s also dropping out of school.
As much as I wish he could finish school, or at least get a grade 11, this is not working. He’s wasting time and money because he’s not working. He’s having a jol with his friends all day and that’s it.
He is looking for work. Full time or part time doesn’t matter- whatever he can find at this point. Next year we’ll look at enrolling him in college to do a national senior certificate equivalent or some such.
We’ll also be testing on a weekly basis again until he’s clean.

And today I felt numb.
I didn’t even cry.
I feel like I’ve let him down. Like I dropped the ball. I feel like a failure.

⁺okay, I had four, not counting an um-friend or two.