Okay… This One’s Gonna Be Rough…

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Yesterday, we got a text message from Glug’s brother, announcing to the family that they are very excited about expecting their third child.

My first reaction was not excitement, or happiness. It was jealousy. Insane angry envy. I was so close to tears its not funny, and I was pissed off… but I made a conscious decision not to let the news fork up my day entirely, and I changed the subject.

Then when I woke up this morning it all came back again. I pushed it aside again because we had visitors. 

Then this afternoon I opened my bedside drawer and glimpsed the HPT that lies taunting me in the back- and I was reminded again. We have yet to congratulate them… and I feel like shit. Their news follows hot on the heels of my emailing the family about us seeing a specialist and how we’re not really wanting to talk about it (pretty much my post from earlier this week) and and and… which probably explains why the poor SIL E- whom I have become friends with since Glugs and I got together- did not text me.

Fork bunnies… I LOATHE feeling like this… but its like there’s some part of my brain that takes over everytime someone mentions babies or pregnancy and I turn into a bitch.

Lawdy I hope I can put it aside so I can be happy for them when I see them… People think I’m exaggerating when I tell them I have a constant supply of pregnant friends. Its quite literally a case of one baby is born, and someone announces a pregnancy. Thus far its only been friends though.

21 thoughts on “Okay… This One’s Gonna Be Rough…

  1. Angel girl! You know me and you’ve read all my sordid tales and you know, you KNOW that I feel you. I was just repeating a story to my boss tonight how irrationally jealous I can get over the sweetest people growing baby bumps (even those sweet infertility friends of mine.) And I do love you all!
    .-= Darla´s last blog ..thank you shandipants =-.

  2. Babes, you’re already going through a million emotions, you really shouldn’t beat yourself up on top of that. Everybody who struggles to conceive (or doesn’t conceive immediately) feels this way.

    I wish you weren’t literally surrounded by pot bellies ALL THE TIME because this must make it so much worse…but all this is going to make you stronger somehow. I just know it.

    Lotsa love 4 U!
    .-= acidicice´s last blog ..MORE loot! =-.

  3. Julia: thank you.

    Dynagirl: xx

    Jeanette: I think most of them will understand, I just have to get over myself!

    Bobbi Janay: 🙂

    Katy: I know you have… and I think about you so often!

    Hardspear: I am trying very hard not to bottle it all up. The hardest part right now, is that my sweetheart also gets heart-sore when I get depressed every month and when I cry over someone’s announcement. He’s my hero, and he wants to fix things for me. I want to not hurt him, but we agreed things would not be hidden because then I’d get screwy and he wouldn’t know exactly why…

    Brigitte: I love you too.

    Alida: thank you.

    Panni: thus far I have managed not to cry when actually speaking to someone… I do that at home when I’m alone, or with my Glugs… but it gets REAL hard not to do that.
    Thinking of you too.

    Gill: I wish it didn’t have to be normal, you know? I hate that it’s acceptable for me to feel like this. As much as I love people for understanding, I want to scream at the same time because I feel like I am being allowed to throw a tantrum… and I hate that too!
    Just can’t win… no wonder people don’t want to tell me stuff.

    JessieB: I too, had a dear friend tell me what was going on before spreading the news… and I honestly dunno if her making a “normal” announcement would have been better or worse.
    I loathe that I made her feel like it was necessary to do what she did, instead of yelling it from the rooftops like she should have, whilst I appreciate at the same time how much she cares about me.
    I was- and still am- very VERY happy for her. There’re few women on the planet who deserve mommy-hood more, but when we hung up on our phone call, I cried all the way home.

    The Jackson Files: 🙂

    JaneW: thank you.

    Tamara: thanx

    Zola: I appreciate that immensely

    Mel: thank you for the advice Mel. I have taken it to heart and I plan to try my best to apply it.
    And so many people have told me how sure they are we’ll have a baby… but I must be honest and say its getting harder to feel that way myself.

    Lulu: xxxx
    .-= Angel´s last blog ..Party Hearty People! =-.

  4. xxxxxxxxxxxxx you are normal man of course it hurts, don’t give yourself a hard time about it!! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  5. As someone who was caught in the infertility fall out, I can only tell you to be honest and let them know how you feel. Miscommunication nearly destroyed Tertia and I, things not said. I am so sorry this is hard for you, it just sucks. I still believe a critter is in the plans for you guys. Please tell those you love how you feel, forget brave, guarded or closed. x
    .-= Mel´s last blog ..Offense & forgiveness. (Awkwardness and Trust for tomorrow’s post) =-.

  6. “hugs”

    I feel so sorry for you and your fiance, Glug. I do not know what to say, just that we as your loyal readers will be there for you.

  7. Hmmm, coming from the other side here. I had to tell my infertile friend that I was pregnant. Let me tell you it was SO difficult. I took for ages to compose a letter to her to tell her know how much I loved her as a friend and that I understood that infertility was just plain heartbreaking.
    I was so afraid to tell her my good news, but thought it best to tell her first before breaking the news to everyone else. I do wish that I could have told her face to face, but I thought giving her time to read a letter was better.
    And you know what? She phoned me straight away and said how happy she was for me and that I was silly for even thinking that it could change our friendship! It made me feel sooo good and it is awesome that I can actually enjoy my pregnancy without feeling guilty! She told me it wasn’t my fault that she was not falling pregnant and that she was so happy for our blessing.
    Anyway, I hope that I haven’t offended you at all! I love your blog and I am holding all appendages that you get a BFP really soon.
    Good luck
    JB

  8. I really, really understand what you are going through. Been there myself and it totally sucks. I’d look at pregnant woman with something that came pretty damn close to hatred in my eyes – I felt horrible, guilty as hell and on some level I loathed myself for being so “petty”.

    Don’t beat yourself up about it, what you’re feeling is dreadful, but completely normal in your circumstances.

    I so, so hope you get some really good news very soon. {hugs}
    .-= Gill´s last blog ..R.I.P Nala =-.

  9. The other day one of my colleagues came to announce that she is pregnant. I started crying. She thought they were tears of joy. I wish they were. I also have a little ‘monster’ that comes out whenever I hear of someone else being pregnant. Can’t help it either. Thinking of you and hoping for a positive really soon.

  10. Ag my sis – that just sucks. I keep typing something and deleting it again cause I just don’t know what to say to make you feel better. I love you sis.

  11. One of the very best things about having a blog is that you can actually say the things you wouldn’t verbalise in a conversation. I hope it helps being able to talk about it here.

    You are such a wonderful person and EVERYBODY says so! I’ve seen on other peoples’ blogs where they refer to you (and Glugs) as one of their favourite persons in the whole wide world. My best advice today is that sometimes you need to allow you to feel the full extent of whatever feelings you are experiencing. It is your feelings after all and who’s to say that you shouldn’t. Personally, allowing myself to feel is what sometimes helps me to resolve such feelings.
    .-= Hardspear´s last blog ..Thoughts like glue =-.

  12. know it – been there. one of my friends finally gave birth after several miscarriages and fertility treatments and while the rational part of me is happy for them there is this anger/jealous/full of rage part that makes it near impossible to be joyful for them. there is nothing that helps me to make it go away so i tend to stay away from people because its hard to be around them and try not to let that part show.

  13. It’s perfectly natural for you to feel the way you do. I have a feeling that things are going to work out just fine for you and your Glugs to have a baby.
    All the best.
    xx

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