And there’s not a lot I can do.
I’ve decided to go back on the pill.
I’m not ecstatic about it, but I will learn to live with it. I just can’t take the disappointment month after month.
Yes- even though I KNOW, I know, that there is no chance of my sweetheart and I having a baby without expensive, emotionally draining and time consuming medical intervention- I still hope, and I am still upset every time my period starts.
Since my Glugster and I started trying to have a baby of our own almost 2 years ago, there have been 15 babies born to friends inside my social circle.
We stopped “trying” about 6 months ago, and I mean “trying” as in no more ovulation timing, no more Pre-Seed, no more checking the ovulation microscope… and there’s still an HPT in my bedside drawer that seems to mock me every time I come across it. That’s going to be tossed too.
At the moment it’s as if everyone around me is pregnant! Like our trying to have a baby worked for everyone else. At the moment I have no less than 13 friends and a sister-in-law-to-be all having babies before the end of October this year!
There’s a new announcement almost every week!
One of my oldest friends is turning 40 this year, and she’s pregnant! It was a surprise for her and her hubby, and they’re very excited and they’re wonderful parents, but when I got her text message I swore till there was a little blue cloud around my head and I all but threw my phone!
And then I upset my darling Glugster by phoning him in tears to tell him it happened again! And I know I upset him when I tell him why I’m heartsore, because he feels powerless to do anything about why I am upset.
My hero can’t be my hero.
I think going back on the pill may help ease my personal disappointment every month because then there’s not even a reason to hope.
I dunno how long it will take to stop being upset over other people’s pregnancies and new babies. I dunno how long that “why can’t it be me” feeling will take to go away. I dunno if it will ever go away…
But at least I may be able to do something to put a stop to my own feelings of failure, to finally get rid of all expectations.