Venturing Into New Territory…

and I could REALLY use some suggestions.

Tonight we are meeting with the knucklehead’s biological father at a restaurant. Neutral territory. My Glugster and I are going with Damien, but I’m not even sure thats the right thing to do. Do we sit elsewhere and let them talk? Do we sit together and try to make small talk? I have no idea how I am to behave towards him. The bitch in me wants to be cold and non-smiling, and the alternative means I have to be polite and smile. Are we going to have long uncomfortable silences? Does he want to meet Damien alone? I mean… technically the knucklehead is a grown up, so I should let him do this alone shouldn’t I?

Lawd, I wish this was over already. My stomach is in a knot. I’ve been on the brink of bawling my eyes out since I woke up and realised what day it was. Not from sadness, but from nervousness. I haven’t seen him since about November 1990, and we spoke on the phone once when the knucklehead was about a week old. I have seen him around shopping malls and such- but thats always at a distance and we pass each other as if we were strangers. If I didn’t point him out to you you’d never guess we even knew each other.

How do I now learn to share my child.

Help…

31 thoughts on “Venturing Into New Territory…

  1. hey i know im late…. lifes been crazy… please email me … ill catch you up!

  2. I’m a day late, but I trust all went well??? I am so curious to know what happened, how did everybody get along and trust that all parties can now move ahead in life! I am sure you are feeling more relieved as well. Please let us know what happened!! Good luck and higs!

  3. Not sure how old this post is, but how’d it go? I guess I would have maybe started at the table with him to make a little more comfortable but left when things got going and let them be. Damien is an awesome kid I am sure everything went well 🙂
    .-= phats´s last blog ..It’s my birthday week =-.

  4. Just be there for knucklehead like you always are, i’m so impressed with how you are dealing with this, my husband has a son he doenst see so i may have all this to come and i hope if i do it goes well, good luck! i’m thinking of you, Pol xx
    .-= Pol´s last blog ..Another Girl!! =-.

  5. Our time difference always has me coming in a bit after the event …
    I thought of you last night and sent you many good thoughts and vibes. As a step parent who has walked a long and challenging road raising step children, I totally understand every point of concern and question you raise. I say this because it is very hard to be in a parent role and allow yourself to be invisible as and when needed … very hard!
    I would like to offer the following ….
    I think you and Neels should be with D-Man … He will remember this day for ever … And you guys were there! I’mportant.
    I think for the rest, hand this over to the Universe and let your instinctive self guide you.
    This is for D-Man … He literally asked for it … You made it happen, you are there for and with him, now hand it over.
    No pre-conceived ideas or pre-meditated ideas. Go, be your authentic self all the time and let D-Man have his own spontaneous, authentic experience. Trust his ability and remember, you can have him and yourself walk in with your heads held high, proud of who you are and proud of what you’ve done.
    This is such a powerful experience … My mantra’s would be, Stand back and let G-d …. And, let there be love.
    Thinking of you.
    I wait with eager anticipation to hear from you.
    I hope it goes well for everyone.
    Sending lots of love. xxx
    .-= Dawn´s last blog ..HOW … =-.

  6. wow – Leigh-Anne’s comment really threw another light on the whole situation didn’t it! Some very good points I bet none of us though of 🙁

    good luck angel!
    .-= Tanya´s last blog ..If you had told me… =-.

  7. I think that you have received really great advice here. I would definitely ask him what he wants and take my cues from that point.
    I do not have anything of value to add about the emotional state you are in. All that I will say is that you will get through this. You are not alone. You are strong and very capable. I will be thinking of you and him tonight.
    xx

  8. I am a “lurker” on blog sites and I don’t usually like to leave comments but I really felt that I had to with you today.

    I was on the other side so I am going to tell you how it felt from my perspective. My partner had not seen his kids in 10 years due to various circumstances and it killed him not to be able to see them or speak to them. When the eldest daughter(who is now 18 years old) found him via Facebook, we flew to JHB to see them.

    For the time leading up to the meeting, my partner worried himself sick that they would not like him, that they would not wish to see him again or that they would hate him for what they perceived as he abandoned them. It was so exhausting to watch and it was so unproductive.

    They fetched us at the airport and would not look at him or talk to him. His ex-wife was cool and unwelcoming to an extent and she wanted to be in on every conversation they had together so the kids never really became comfortable with him.

    That was last year August and the relationship is still a bit strained because they feel he is kinda like a friend who lives far away rather than a dad. I know my partner wishes that it could be different but we live too far away from them to see them enough to their liking.

    What I wish for the situation is that the kids had the chance to ask all the questions that they had when they occurred to them and not have to worry about their mom’s feelings. I also wish that their mom would let them come and stay a while at our house- I feel like they have not got enough time to get to know each other and that is making the relationship a bit strained.

    I guess what I am trying to tell you is that you need to be supportive of your son’s needs even though you may be dying inside. I think that for a first meeting, it is okay to be together but I think you should steer away from the heavy questions and try to get to know his dad and wife as people. The time for heavy questions will come and it is also not up to you to ask them but something your son should ask and the hardest thing of all is that you need to make space to allow the relationship to develop further even if that means letting him go away with him for a holiday.

    Remember your son may be an adult but how many of us don’t still turn to our parents in times of emotional turmoil for support.

    Good luck. I am sure you will handle the situation well as you always seem to do.

  9. oh angel – i really feel for you – what a horrible situation to be in!

    i do agree with most of these comments about asking D what he wants to do…

    i’m really hoping and praying that things work out well for your family! x

    with regards to your emotions and how you should “be” at the meeting… its a tough one – i know that no matter how much i plan i end up doing something different. I would suggest calm and friendly. kind of like meeting a new client… be nice, but not overly friendly, but also dont be mean 😉

    good luck – will be thingking of u and D and Glugster this evening
    .-= Tanya´s last blog ..If you had told me… =-.

  10. Oh Angel, I have no idea how I would deal with this on an emotional level. On the practical level – talk to Damien. I would go with him and introduce all and then leave Damien there and maybe go to a restaurant next door or something and in front of the sperm donor, tell Damien to give you a call or come when he is ready. Then go have a glass of wine with the Glugster. It’s going to be so tough. Know that I will keep you in my thoughts tonight.

  11. Yep, I’m with the rest of ’em in terms of how to deal with the whole thing for Damien’s sake. But I have no clue what to tell you with regard to your own emotions around how to start sharing your boy. Bear in mind though that, in the long term, you might not even have to share him…
    Thinking of you!
    .-= MeeA´s last blog ..Spreading Some More Blogger Love…. =-.

  12. OMG – if I can actually see the screen for tears! Sweetheart my heart is aching for you 🙁
    I think you and Glugs should go with him – Damien KNOWS you are there for him but ‘donor guy’ needs to know it too. He needs to realise that just because HE wasn’t there Damien has got the best support system going. Plus Glugs is YOUR support – no one can understand how hard this is for you and YOU need help through it – and that is ok you don’t have to be ok with this. Unfortunately though you do have to go through it I wish you didn’t and I wish we could all be there for you (now THAT would freak the donor out!! HEHEHE! FULL force of the blog squad!!)
    I’m sure Damien will want you there but you should ask him just to be sure.
    Thinking of you, hoping its a painless as possible.
    xxx

  13. This is a really difficult decision to make.. but I am confident that when it is all said and done that you and Glugs will help D through this.
    I am not sure what I would do because the reality is that as a mom we are fierce with our protection and this may create a standoff situation between you and his bioDad.. which could make things awkward for D.
    But as everyone above has said why not let D decide how he would like the evening to proceed?
    ((much Hugs)) for tonight ….
    .-= Briget´s last blog ..Come Nekkid.. =-.

  14. If he’s old enough, I’d let him go on his own and let him know that all he has to do is call you and you’ll be there to collect him.

    Be close enough but far enough so you can’t spy. In the same shopping centre or a different restaurant or something.
    .-= blackhuff´s last blog ..Weekend recap =-.

  15. I’d ask Damien what he wants. Tell him it is ok to change his mind during the course of the meeting and that whatever he needs at any point is fine. Let that be your lead, you are concerned for your child, so make sure you give him what he wants/needs and it will all be just fine. Thinking of you, hugs
    .-= Sharon´s last blog ..Aircraft Overhead =-.

  16. It is so hard to predict.
    When my son met his he specifically said he did not want to have to “think of things to say” so he asked that they go throw some balls in the cricket nets. All I said was “you can decide whenever you have had enough”. I sat and bit my nails with worry and when he came home with a huge smile I felt gutted. But as with everything in life “this too shall pass” and things will settle down.

    Strongs to you and hooray that your Glugster will be at your side.

  17. Hey Angel!

    I have been away from bloggerland for so long again, but had to pop in when I got your mail.

    Please remember that you have only limited control on how this turns out. Damien may have the opportunity to have a good and meaningful relationship with his biological father, OR he may be bitterly disappointed. Be prepared for both. Please remember that because of your limited control over the outcome, you cannot allow yourself to feel guilt or blame.

    However, feeling tense about the situation is normal. Please just don’t let this steal any of your happiness and excitement over the wedding.

    I pray for you, Glugs, Damien, your Dad & Mom

    Spear
    .-= hardspear´s last blog ..My journey’s anthem =-.

  18. I think you have great advice here. Asking Damien what he wants will be a strongly indicative of how this all plays out. Will be thinking of you this evening. STrongs Angel. xx
    .-= Mel´s last blog ..Uniting a Nation =-.

  19. I agree with everyone here actually. Be there – but ask Damien what he wants. Do you STAY, or do you move away after initial intro’s. I would absolutely stay close by if he needs time alone – but he might need you to be there for support. Big hugs and squidges!

  20. Ag Sis, it’s gotta be SO confusing. Ask Damien what he wants you to do. Maybe he wants to talk to him alone too. Maybe you can go with him and help with the initial “ice-breaker” between them. I think it would be easier on YOU if you didn’t have to sit through the entire visit aswell. Strongs, thinking of you. Love you!
    .-= Brigitte´s last blog ..TAGGED =-.

  21. At the end of the day Damiem is still your child and you still his mother… Talk to him. Ask him what he wants. He may be grown up but this is a very big moment in his life. Got to put what you feel aside cause D will feel it and he already has his own bundle of emotions to deal with.
    He may want you to “hold his hand” the whole way through, he may ask you to “let go” but the one great thing is that he knows that YOU are there no matter what.
    Good Luck will be thinking of you! xxx
    .-= 8unni´s last blog ..Protected: The Truth – The Whole Truth – And Nothing But The Truth – The Truth About Andrew!!! =-.

  22. My opinion: I would meet him and introduce everyone to him and then I would let my child (like you say, he is technically grown up), sit alone with his father while we are still in sight in a different corner of the restaurant.

    Good luck “hugs”
    .-= blackhuff´s last blog ..Weekend recap =-.

  23. Oh you’re breaking my heart. 🙁 I think you and G and D should all go together. I don’t think you have to be cold, you have to be accepting. Not necessarily friendly. The first conversation I had with my mom and biological dad was the “what happened?” question. I wanted them to be together when I asked so that neither could have the chance to lie. But be there this first time, and then they will decided how to proceed. *hugs*

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