I have to.
Else its going to drive me barmy.
I wrote a post almost a year ago about how we were “finished” trying… but it still hurts. I still get resentful and angry when someone announces a pregnancy. I still get envious and wonder why it can’t be me, us. Our turn. I still wish, in my heart of hearts, that I could give my darling husband a child of his own. A boy child. With his names.
I have apologised many times to my preggy friends and family in case I behave spitefuly or rudely… and that apology stands.
A year ago, after just over a year of trying to get pregnant naturally, my Glugster and I went to see a fertility specialist. The lab we went to has an excellent reputation and track record, and we were both keen to find out about our chances of having a baby of our own. The results were not good, for either of us, and we decided to leave it there. We didn’t want the stress and expense of fertility treatment. It was something we had agreed on when we started trying to get pregnant. Both of us had a lot of tests done, invasive and painful tests. And with each test result, the chances of our having a baby- even with fertility treatments- got smaller and smaller. We did the tests because we wanted to know. My brain functions very well when there are facts and numbers and percentages. And I needed that.
Now its just over two years since we started TTC and just over a year since we stopped. Its two years since I stopped taking birth control pills.
Even though we agreed that we weren’t going to “try” anymore, its still always in the back of my mind. Maybe this month something went right. Maybe this cycle… maybe… And then when I start my period I feel disappointed.
Its not as hard anymore as it was a year ago, or even six months ago, but its still shitty.
Then recently we were chatting again about “one more shot”. I decided I would approach it as clinically as possible to try and not get my hopes up. I Googled, I read, I researched. Then I spoke to someone who has been there done that and written the book- literally- and even though she’s not a doctor I consider her input and opinions invaluable.
I asked her some questions and advice, she asked me some questions, I sent her some of the test results from a year ago, and in her experienced opinion our chances are slim.
So I am going to try and get past this.
I now have the numbers and percentages I need to process things logically and properly. We aren’t going to go back to the specialist. We aren’t going to bother with any kind of birth control- even though I know actually being on the pill would help me jump this hurdle.
We will not be having our own baby. We will not be adopting a baby because we don’t want a child, we want our child. We will not be spending thousands of Rands on fertility treatments because it will be like farting against thunder.
My Glugster is okay with this. He made peace with this a long time ago. I need to deal with it now.
I have my knucklehead, so unlike a lot of women who are unable to conceive I have had a child of my own and I love him to death.
I have the most amazing, loving, romantic, gawjiss husband.
I am starting a new chapter in my life and I am fulfilling a long term dream by working for myself.
I have closed the comments. I am thinking “aloud” on my blog, and as in real life, sometimes you don’t want advice, you just want someone to listen.