Monthly Archives: January 2011

Things Men Should Know About Women

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This is an oldie but remains a goodie!

We know – sometimes we can be a little fickle. It’s the female prerogative. And while there are no hard-and-fast rules to women, there are certain things that you should know (that many of you keep getting wrong!) about women.

So, if you’re male, take note:

  • Sometimes, a back rub is just a back rub
  • Chocolate works in most emotional situations
  • “Fine” is never a good answer in response to “How do I look?”
  • The answer to “Do I look fat in this?” is always “No, of course not!” Feel free to toss in “Have you lost a little weight?”
  • We remember everything
  • Don’t talk about your ex. Ever.
  • Groping and foreplay is not the same thing
  • With regard to the above, more is better. (Foreplay, not groping!)
  • Vacuuming the house or doing the dishes will get you further than flowers
  • While we’re on the subject, a vacuum cleaner is not a birthday present (in general, this applies to other appliances too)
  • “Now” means “now”. Not “later”, “any time soon”, or “whenever you feel like it”
  • Never ask whether we’re in a bad mood because of PMS
  • No matter how cool we seem, if you’ve done something wrong, we’re mad at you
  • If you don’t know why we’re mad, work it out. Don’t ask. It will only make us madder that you don’t know.
  • We’re going to ask how you feel
  • We need to hear how you feel about us. So tell us. And then remind us in ten minutes.
  • We expect you to notice things like hair cuts
  • You don’t own the remote, even if you paid for it
  • We want to be best thing that’s ever happened to you. And we want you to know it.
  • We’re afraid to meet your mother. Also, don’t ever compare us to her.
  • We don’t like being told how to do things, even if we ask
  • Our jobs are just as important as yours
  • We’re less excited about receiving lingerie than you are about giving it

There you have it. Just remember: Despite spending years trying to understand us, reading up on our psychological make-up and occasionally watching Oprah for some insight, we’ll still be a mystery! It’s part of why you love us

Over Thinking

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I found this one amongst my blog drafts and I can’t remember why I didn’t post it! So here you go:

Clearly having so much on my plate is starting to play on my subconscious and affect my dreams…

I very seldom remember my dreams; it’s always been that way. I sleep very deeply, and next to nothing can wake me either- except kitten claws digging into my calf or my knucklehead making a noise.

I had a strange one the other night about going to a parents evening with someone at a school (I wasn’t the parent) and the people there were expecting me to speak on some or other new medication- and give a speech I didn’t know about that was written by someone else! For the life of me I couldn’t Google the medication I was supposed to speak about and every time I looked up from my BB and the hand written much crossed out and edited speech in front of me, all these faces were watching me and waiting expectantly for me to start!!

It was dreadful and no matter what I said they wouldn’t let me leave or rehearse!

Custody Agreements…

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This week past, I sat in on a family meeting with someone I love, to discuss a child’s guardianship- lawyers and all. I was not there to contribute or argue, but to provide moral support.

I suppose this kind of meeting is something that a lot of divorced parents go through, along with visits to court and so on, but this was a first for me.

I raised my son alone- with my family’s support of course- but I was a single parent. Long story short, when my son’s father and I broke up certain things transpired and I asked him and his family to stay away. We agreed that if I left them alone they’d leave us alone. No contact, no maintenance, no visits, no gifts.

They did what I asked. When my son was 19 he asked me to find his father, and I did. They now have a relationship and they are both happy.

I will forever be grateful that he and his family did as I asked, especially when I hear about the drama involved in trying to sort out maintenance and custody and and and!

But that’s not what I want to talk about in this post.

What I want to talk about here is the list of almost 40 agenda points that these people worked through.

Most of it was hectic legalese, and there seemed to be a lot of repetition, but at the end of it all they had come to an agreement on communication, finances, visitation… everything from agreeing to keep in contact with regard to special occasions at the child’s school, sharing school reports, protecting the child from neglect and abuse, and agreeing on when the child would spend time with which parent. They agreed that the child would have access to paternal and maternal extended family- cousins and grandparents and such. They agreed on which parent would cover what costs and exactly what would become of the child should something happen to one or both parents.

It was an astounding list. All aimed at looking after the best interests of the child. All legally binding once the document is signed off as a court order. In other words, if either party doesn’t hold up their end of the bargain they can be held in contempt of court.

I sat there listening to the meeting- listening to the lawyers talk, listening to them quell arguments before things could get really spiteful- and I wondered how many couples would even consider having children if they were made to sign a contract like this before doing so. If they knew they would be held in contempt of court for not caring for their children properly- and not only feeding and clothing them.

In so many homes children are neglected, abused, ignored, under nourished… and where children have everything they could possibly want or need, but they simply never see their father or mother.

Would people be more careful about procreation if a legal agreement like this was compulsory?

In Memory

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I am very heart sore.

Today I found out that someone I hold in high regard is no longer for this earth. I found out via Facebook  and Dawn would simply have hated that! If she had had her way, she would probably have contacted everyone she knew and loved personally, so she could break the news to them her own way.

budvo_dawn

I stole this off her FB profile album

Dawn was someone with whom I had many conversations in many forms, and during those conversations she showed me why she is so beloved by so many.
We “met” when I started reading and commenting on her blog, and she mine. This was many years ago when I started blogging. It didn’t take long before our relationship evolved and we were chatting on Skype and on the phone. One time she mailed a HUGE package full of goodies to South Africa for myself and my knucklehead, my sisters and their children, my nephew Nathan, my mom, and my BBF and her boys, and I think there may have been gifts in there for a few other people too! This was Dawn. She was a loving, giving person who only ever saw the best in people. She would give you the shirt off her back without a second thought. She always took others into consideration, and I know there are many people whose lives she touched in a way that will always be remembered.

She adored her husband and was immensely proud of him.

She loved her son with all her heart.

One of her goals in life was that she wanted to the world to “Think Peace”. If you asked her for advice, she would make you think about the whole situation before offering any solace, and if you needed it she was quite happy to just listen. She was trustworthy and loyal, and I wish with all my heart that I could have met her in real life. How I would have loved to have a good gab over coffee and cupcakes with her.

Budvo Dawn, you had a profound impact on my life. You were one of the few people who could show me that the world can be a better place if each of us does our part.
This world will be a much lonelier place without you.
I am going to miss you something awful.

ADHD has an Up Side…?!

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I was reading a blog post on Tumbling Sanity of Raising Sadie Jane one morning. She was writing about how her ADHD daughter’s neurotypical* brothers deal with her disorder and whether ADHD can be a positive thing in the life of siblings. At the end of her blog post, she said: “I would love to hear about how you handle the challenges of sibling relationships and the benefits of having a child with ADHD. It’s good for me to focus on the positive sometimes.”

In my comment on her post, I said that I often thanked my lucky stars that my son and I were alone when he was growing up, that I didn’t have the complication of parenting him and another child- or children. At the same time, I often wished that I had someone in the house to “carry” some of the load… my parents were super helpful in giving me some time off occasionally, but it’s not the same as having two parents in the house.

Then I started thinking about how I benefited from raising my ADHD son (and that should be a REALLY big “H”, just btw).

Yes, there were the times I cried myself to sleep, and cursed the name on the screen of my ringing cellular phone, and the times I prayed that he wouldn’t remember… But there are so many happy memories and so many lessons learnt!

 

For one thing, I was never short on hugs and kisses. He was always affectionate and lovable no matter how old he was. He never hesitated to kiss me goodbye when I dropped him off at school, and he loved nothing better than to watch TV snuggled on the couch with me. He’s a little less so now that he’s older, but he doesn’t flinch if I ask him for a hug or a kiss. 🙂

 

This next point may sound strange considering how he can’t sit still himself, but my son taught me to slow down, not to sweat the small stuff. He showed me how to wring every little bit of enjoyment out of life. He taught me to enjoy every moment to its fullest, instead of always trying to see the big picture. He did this by example. He showed me that it is okay to laugh out loud if you think something is funny. People don’t laugh enough. He showed me that it doesn’t matter if people stare, it doesn’t matter if your straw makes a noise when you suck the last drop of a milkshake out of your glass, and it’s not the end of the world if you drop your box of popcorn in the movie house. The world isn’t going to end if your socks don’t match.

 

He showed me that holding a grudge or fostering resentment, no matter how small, is just not worth the effort. Not because he tried not to do so, but because he doesn’t bother remembering whether someone has hurt his feelings or not.

 

He taught me to put myself in someone else’s shoes before judging them. By being more aware of how people saw us, and how he and I behaved and were criticised by anyone and everyone, I learned that I need to look at a situation from as many angles as possible before deciding that I know exactly what it’s about.

 

Who know! ADHD does indeed have an up side to it! Raising a special needs child has made me a better person.

 

*neurotypical is another word for non-ADHD, or “normal” which I loathe using because my knucklehead isn’t abnormal.