Its Official. I Really Am Getting Old…

This may be a little TMI for some people…

I went to the gynae for my annual check up this morning (although in my case its more like every other year), I have now found one who is around the corner from me AND he’s contracted in, so I don’t have to fork out cash up front! Win!

Apart from the exam being an uncomfortable one – and my Glugster actually commented on how quick it is considering the fuss made about it – it was all routine. If I don’t hear from the doctor then there’s nothing to worry about. And he’s made a note for me to go for another mammogram next year when I go for my check up again.

Then because I’m going to be for… Because I’m going to be fort… Because I’m having a milestone birthday in about a month, he did an internal ultrasound and get this – my ovaries have shrunk! So muchΒ so he actually battled to find them!!!
We had already chatted about mine and my Glugster’s fertility adventures, so I know my FSH levels are ridiculously low and my rate of “attrition” for egg loss every month is very high, but I’ve lost so many eggs my ovaries have shrunk! The doc said he’d rather have that than cysts or endometriosis, so its not a bad thing… It was just a bit of a punch in the gut considering how my next birthday is looming LARGE in my mind.

He may as well have said, “Yup, you’re officially past it.

I mean, I can do something about my weight, I can colour my hair, I can work on my fitness… But my girly bits shrivelling up on me makes me a little teary-eyed.
Apart from absolutely and finally closing the book on mine and my sweethearts’ chances of a baby miracle, it just makes me feel really OLLLD…

As I Sit Here…

…eating instant noodles out of the packet, raw- because I was craving something salty- I marvel yet again at my lack of self control when it comes to food.
I find food in my hand without knowing how it got there.
I find myself in a KFC drive-thru as if my car has a mind of its own.
I mean, you know you have a problem when you eat things you’re not supposed to eat, and then hide the evidence of said eating from your other half, right?

πŸ™

On Monday we were back at the dietitian for our monthly appointment, and because we are car-less again we had to walk there, and back – a 7,2km trip…
It was a lot longer than I would have liked to do but it had to be done, and we did pretty well. In fact we’ve impressed ourselves with the walks we’ve been able to do without feeling like we’re going to keel over! On Saturday AND Sunday we walked a 4,5km route, with Riddick in tow, and we felt fine! And we’re enjoying it. The evenings are wonderfully cool so I can actually walk without sweating like a racehorse, and we talk while we walk which is really cool. And I never thought I would do it but I actually downloaded an app that tracks your exercise routine!

And then we were at the dietitian’s office, after what I thought had been a pretty good month (even with a few special occasions that always lead to cheating) and I had lost a total of 400g.

FOUR HUNDRED FORKING GRAMS!!!!

I was instantly fed up. I am surprised I managed not to burst into tears. I was pissed off with myself and I was annoyed that all we had done had come to practically nought.
Granted, her scale said I had lost fat and gained muscle, but it still felt like I’d achieved nothing.
Again.

We’ve been doing this now for almost 8 months and I was “planning” to have lost at least 16kg by now. IΒ haven’t yet managed to lose 10kg.
It feels pathetic.Β 
And its very disheartening.

The healthier eating doesn’t require much thinking anymore- we just do it. And thanks to my baking, I have a pretty good “eye” so I don’t have to haul out the measuring cups to serve our meals anymore. We even have dinners of only veggies and protein- and whilst I have always loved my veggies I never thought my Glugster would actually enjoy eating like that too. I pack a lunchbox for my hubby every day, and some days I remember to do one for me too…

And we both know what we need to do. We’re walking more, we’re watching what we eat- I’m just not watching what I eat enough.
My darling Glugster- and the dietitian- are happy with our progress, and they’re happy that we’re not yo-yo-ing up and down every month, I just need it to be faster.

πŸ™