I’ve been trying to write this post for weeks, and every time I start I get a couple of lines in and I start crying.
Every time I just think about it I start crying. Ugly, snotty, Claire Danes kind of crying. If I’m driving I can’t see kind of crying.
But I desperately want to write it down…
To get it out of my head…
To begin processing it…
Even the failures to finish the blog post have helped a little though.
I have spoken before about my daddy darling’s health issues, which started steadily worsening in January 2006, eventually resulting in almost total kidney failure and dialysis. It doesn’t feel like its been that long.
And its more than just diabetes and dialysis – he has numerous issues that affect him physically, making him dizzy and/ or nauseous and weak, making my mommy darling’s life very hard…
So. Down to the nitty gritty of this post.
Some time ago, we started noticing little things. Having to repeat things during a conversation or having to remind him about plans we’d made or things he’d said, and for a long time nobody said anything about it. As if not acknowledging it would make it go away, like a schoolyard bully.
But it didn’t go away.
The bully got meaner.
Then sister C managed to get an appointment for my dad with an Alzheimer’s specialist in JHB. My dad’s diabetes, dialysis and family history are all contributing factors for him and the Alzheimers diagnosis was almost a foregone conclusion.
So that was it. Officially.
The bully had pulled on a pair of brass knuckles.
I think what has frightened me the most is just how fast my dad has deteriorated. Sometimes he forgets to take his meds. Sometimes he gets lost while he’s driving. Sometimes he forgets to eat. Sometimes he forgets where he’s going.
When we see him, or spend time with him, he tells us he’s “Fine!” He works his tail off to come across as himself when he’s in company, but we know.
It breaks my heart.
Thinking about seeing him one day and him not knowing who I am, or who my son is… Fucking hell.