This is a freewrite…

I want to write about my parents, and what they – and we –¬†are going through, but that means I have to think about it.¬†And I don’t want to.¬†I don’t want to think about it because thinking about it makes it real, and it makes me cry.¬†I want to talk about my daddy darling, who¬†is diabetic, diagnosed when I was a little girl, and on a type of dialysis¬†he can do himself at home. This means he doesn’t have to go to hospital every other day to do dialysis, and he has a relatively normal life, even though it is structured around when he has to do dialysis and he hates it.¬†He also has dementia, and it’s progressing really fast. I don’t know what I’m going to do if he no longer knows who I am. Or who my son is. And¬†I want to talk about my mommy darling, who retired sooner than she was planning to, so she and my dad could spend as much time as possible together before…¬†Before. Before.¬†Before it is too late.¬†Before my dad is¬†gone. But if I talk about it I have to think about it. And I don’t want to.¬†If I think about it I cry. And¬†I¬†feel guilty for crying because it feels so selfish. My mom is so tired and stressed, she can’t even sing anymore. She doesn’t want to sing. We’ve always been singers. She doesn’t have the will to sing anymore. And that makes me so sad. When I think about what has already changed I cry. Family events have always been big for us. Christmas. Easter. Birthdays. Mothers Day. Fathers Day. My dad took great joy in hiding Easter eggs in the garden for his children and grandkids to find. That won’t happen again.¬†My dad is so easily confused now, and crowds and noise are so stressful for him and for my mom. ¬†My dad has always been smart, with an incredible memory, and that’s gone. He knows who we are, and who his grandchildren are, but he¬†can’t follow a conversation anymore and his hearing is bad so too much conversation stresses him. And it all stresses my mom because she never has a break… She is essentially living with a¬†small child, and he can’t bear to have her out of his sight. When he goes into hospital, which is frequently, he gets so confused because he doesn’t know where he is or how long he’s been there or where my mom is and he gets so angry and irritable… And I can’t make it any easier for my mom and I can’t do anything to fix my dad and he’s not going to get any better… And I hate that they’re so fucking far away from me and everything has changed.

My Knucklehead, The Professional

Yesterday I could have burst with pride, and thinking about it makes me so happy I could cry!

I watched as my boy calmly and confidently led a group of people through a “discover scuba” experience. The one young woman had a one-on-one session and even though she is physically disabled and wheelchair-bound, she said she felt completely secure with him and had an amazing time under the water.

Sigh… Still can’t get over how grown up and mature he is…

Twister’s First Adoptiversary!

Twisted Twister cat has been a part of our family for a year now.

He’s on a special diet because of his bladder, and frustratingly he’s still peeing where he shouldn’t, but he’s the most lovable little Twister-pister!

Twister is completely unconcerned about the dogs, flat ignoring them even when he’s being “hounded” by a puppy. ūüėÄ

The cats are another story…
Greebo is the only cat who is not concerned with Twister at all. They’ll nap together and occasionally play together too.
Magic will play with¬†Twister every now and then, but he’s always been a grumpy bum.
Minx is a different story. She won’t tolerate Twister anywhere near her, and has taken to sleeping as high up and as far away as she can, as Twister’s vision limits his access to high-up perches. Unfortunately, Twister won’t leave Minx alone! It’s as if he is determined to make friends with her even though she hisses at him and swats him if he comes near her, and if he manages to corner her, they have a rolling fight with her¬†yowling like mad. ūüôĀ

It makes me sad that they still can’t get on, but I’m hoping it will improve in time…